MichaelDPUK 💜🦎@Michaelwk20
So where to begin....
I didn't know how to put this in to words but let's give it a shot. For 7 years I lived my life as trans, I went by the name Caitlin and thought this was my norm. At the beginning of this I was in a really vulnerable place. I self medicated with both alcohol and drugs and regular tried to take my own life and self harmed. This was my normal at the time. To self loth my self because I hated who and what I was.
At the age of 18 I was sexually assaulted when on a night out, this was the turning point. This was when I began feeling less than a man. Nothing but a stain on society and that I wouldn't be love or liked by anyone. I then went through points of homelessness and insatiability in my life, floating from friends to homelessness units and back again. I tired to find anything to hold on to and floated the place that I was hurt the most by being a bigger part of the LGBT+ community.
At the start of my 20s I moved away from where I was raised and leaned into the "scene". Everyone showed me love, I was finally liked, I was made to feel that I was accepted and they wanted to know more about me. This feeling of love made me to lower my guard and I started to experiment with gender nonconformity. I was literally know as the Scottish gay guy that wore heals with joggers and make up. My self medicating told hold and I spent more time out party, drinking and taking drugs then I did trying to find normal stability. My time ended there not on good terms and I had to return to where I grow up. This didn't changed what I was doing but made it worst.
When I came back I throw my self back into scene up here. There I met a new circle of friends, who was in just as vulnerable position as I. It was as though we leaned into each other and tried to prop each other up to make it through one more day. I still lived as a gender non conforming gay guy but this is where the trans ideology began to set in.
I was told of the group I called friends that I was trans well lets break it down. They told me because I was a feminine gay, I acted a certain way, I like certain things that I was trans. The more they told me about what is trans was the more I started to believe it and the more I leaned into it. The next step was for them to advise me what I needed to do to get access to hormones. It was like they was indoctrinating me into their ideology. You might be thinking but your an adult I was 25 years old at this point. But I was vulnerable and needy. I had the need for love and acceptance after years of breaking my self down due to trauma that I had not faced up to.
I then went to my doctor in 2020 and asked them to refer me to the gender clinic. I was put on the waiting list for this service and was told I will have my first appointment for this in 2 year or so. I called weekly having breakdowns, crying, screaming, swearing and shouting. Threatening to kill my self unless they gave me hormones. The clinic didn't rush my appointment instead told me to do back to my doctor for help. I went to my doctor got sent mental health services for therapy, when I attended I told them about my use of drugs and alcohol and got told this was because of my issue with my gender. Finally after two years of waiting I was top of the list and got my first appointment.
4th of April 2020 I attend the gender clinic as Caitlin. I spoke to a psychiatrist, in the notes they left they mention how "Caitlin presented female" how "Caitlin was wearing female clothes" how "Caitlin had make up on and hair done". We spoke about my childhood and how through my puberty I felt really uncomfortable with my body and how it was changing, mainly hair growth. We spoke about how I use to dress in my mums clothes when she left and had a love for the heels she had. It was all about stereotypes, littered with homophobic ideas. It concluded we the psychiatrist saying I would benefit from speaking to a psychiatrist. My next appointment was with my Gender Specialist doctor. After reading the psychiatrist notes he then decided that I did not need further counselling because I had experimented with my gender non conforming as I was going through my younger 20s. I left the appointment knowing that I was now going on to get access to these hormones. This magic drug was meant to start my recovery.
I started hormones in November 20220 after two appointments and no counselling baring in mind they had been told of the mental health services and my doctor at the time that I had issues. I started taking these tablets and felt euphoric, it was like I was on cloud nine but I was still self medicating. Why? Wasn't this meant to help with these issues? I soon realised that I needed to help my self with the self medicating. Thankfully I was able to cut my drinking down due to me starting to suffer from migraines this helped a lot as I could not tolerate drinking as it would triggered my migraines during the hangovers. Drugs was hard, especially the prescription ones. They were easier to get. Eventually I got back to normal and sorted my life out. I got engaged, moved in together, passed my driving and got a company up and running. Everything was bliss or so I thought.
Throughout my transition I had doubts, I question if I was making the right choice. I turned to the people I thought was there to help me. The gender clinic. I was told these doubts was normal and that once I started to see changes I would start to feel better to just keep going basically. The relationship I was in turned toxic. Controlling, coercive and physical abuse happened. I was back to being vulnerable. Although I knew it was toxic I also thought I can't leave I have built this "life" and if I left I would have nothing. This was who I am now and that's it. Roll on 5 years and I had enough I was broken down that much that losing everything seemed better then being where I was.
I made the choice to tell my ex that we had finished. I offered to leave him everything and I will leave. He didn't like this, I had to have the police involved and he was removed. Now I am here alone with my thoughts. The doubts I was having grow stronger and stronger. I started a TikTok account and started speaking to other trans people. I spoke with someone who was happy with they change and thought that's what I want why don't I feel like this. I then met two ex-trans people. I spoke to both one being Ari, he explained his story and I could relate this to my experience. The other one I spoke to personally who told me that they had doubts but now that doubt is regret and this is when I decided to stop the process.
I attended the gender clinic in June 2025 and told them I was detransition, to which they were shocked. I asked how I start the process and was told "I don't know I haven't done that before". The doctor even made a joke that "good job I didn't go and get the surgery then" cause I was near the top of the waiting list for bottom surgery. I was lost again. I had to tell them to give me T so I could get my levels back up and I had to tell them what I was wanting to do. No help nothing. Left alone to process what I had done to my body for the last 5 years. From then I have not spoken to anyone at the clinic, no one has checked in on me and no one has checked my hormone levels nothing.
My own doctor has sent a referral over to mental health services so that I can get some sort of help to process what I have just done. I am now left with changes to my body that I will have to have surgery to sort this out as medication can't fix it. So that is my journey for that last 7 years. I wonder what the next 7 years will bring me.
Thanks
Michael
Just a regular gay detransition guy from Scotland
