IntrePUNtraveller

It really takes guts to be an organ donor.

Feeding an old dog vs feeding a young dog.

A man is suing Smart Water for not making him smart. I'd like to formally announce my lawsuit against Thin Mints

Teacher: What's the difference between "complete" and "finished"? Student: If you marry the right person, you're complete. If you marry the wrong one, you're finished

Just bought myself a life alert bracelet. So if I get a life, I'll be notified of it immediately.

Where do lizards go after their tail falls off? The retail store.

Teacher to the class: "Give me the opposite of the sentence: Children in the dark make mistakes" Child: "Mistakes in the dark make children"

It made me happy to feed two pigeons with the rest of my pastry. I filled two birds with one scone.

To the thief who stole my wife’s heels and my camouflage jacket… You can hide, but you can’t run.

If they had offered it when I was in school, I bet I could have earned a degree in procrastination (you know ... eventually).

Where are all these great dad jokes stored ? At the dadabase.

@SamaraHardee Life is too short to be treading water when you would rather be swimming.

@IntrePunator Totally agree! I already pour my heart out as an educator… it’s nice to get a little bit in return because sometimes I feel like I’m pouring from an empty cup over here!

Yesterday I left work pretending I was sick. Today, two coworkers didn't show up, saying they caught it from me. Can’t stand liars.

@MadisonCarly26 Brain surgery

Law

@JesterJum Obviously they had a jar of Sesame butter that would not open.

Ive been alive 33 years and I just realized the saying is "Open Says Me" and not "Open Sesame"

@_B___S Nor really. Just a big puppy.

All grown up.

My grandmother was famous around town for growing the most delicious strawberries. Before she died, she made me promise to plant them on her grave so visitors could still enjoy them. When she passed, I kept my promise. She’s dead and berried.

@miles_commodore I feel your pain my friend.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to lose weight while eating lots of bacon and cheese on everything? My methods haven’t worked out to well.