jan

April Fools' Day is the holiday of my people.

Phones should have airbags for when you drop them on your face.

You live most of your life in your head. Make it a penthouse, not a prison.

P wild how you open one bag of cheese & instantly summon every pet within a household.

I do make passes with girls that wear glasses. Also do trust a big butt and a smile I take chances

Rock bottom isn’t all bad! I mean look at all these cool rocks I found.

Don't you "re: my previous email" me.

Stop trying to make me decide whether I’m interested in this notification or not.

Am I weird? Yes. But is it in the "quirky and fun" way or the "deeply unsettling" way? Also yes.

Its illegal to do yard work without some sort of alcoholic beverage, I reason with myself at 12:30 on a Monday.

Look I'm not saying you spend too much online shopping, I'm saying its not normal for a house to have a "shipping and receiving" area.

The poorest carpenter blames his wood.

I don’t care what my husband says, hitting the wrong button on the remote is indeed a “desperate situation.”

This is America, dammit, and I will die defending your right to make a complete ass of yourself, as often as you like.

I'm gonna name my next puppy Password123.

Back in the 70s once you hit the age of 10, your parents basically considered you an adult.

To the dog park, or just a park with my dog? That is the question.

I managed the perfect smile yet could be grimacing from the sun being in my eyes yesterday, when passing our neighbour that only acknowledges us 20% of the time. Like to cover all angles.

The vultures are back and I love them. They’re fascinating, underappreciated creatures.

The mutual block makes us social media official

Husband autocorrected to hyena.