Josh

The worst professionals right now are domestic delivery services. @PostOffice can't deliver their letters to the correct address, @YodelOnline can't follow basic instructions & @AmazonUK chuck n run. If you want poor service, order an item online and wait for it to arrive

@emmagpayne2 Yummy

My dyslexic ass reading balaclava as baklava

@emmagpayne2 Update, your laptop is now completely dead lol but totally not lol actually actually very not lol

Update: I fixed it, I am a genius !!!

Turned my laptop off and on again. It hasn’t worked.

@emmagpayne2 I find your use of the words "dog and cat" instead of cat and dog highly insulting

I love the dynamic between my dog at cat cos they’re both probably just as confused at what each other are and why they’re there

@emmagpayne2 Not as impressionable as your last tweet, but my lordy worth more 👏

This company been fcuking with dyslexic ppl since 1972

If I was 7 foot 8 inches I'd commit to playing basketball, and be guaranteed a spot in the NBA for being tall... should I leave my finance job to go recruit very tall children for the NBA?? 🤔

@CadburyUK very sad to see half the bar missing upon opening my marvelous creations. It looks like someone's even taken a bite out of it!! I can tell you now, the missing part of the bar was not in the packet :/

Are Londeners rude, or just introverts not wanting to make conversation?

Think I'll have to just stop driving when it gets dark. I may as well drive with my eyes closed since I'm already blinded by the headlights on some of these cars

When I wake up to the view and sound of the sea with the prospect of playing bat and ball, I'll know I'm exactly where I want to be

@emmagpayne2 Either you just went snorkelling or watched finding Nemo?

Imagine how terrifying it is to be a fish going about their day and then suddenly see a human head with massive goggles and a pipe coming out of their mouth

@emmagpayne2 I have 4 pennies, half a crunchie and a bag of haribo star mix..

@JustJoshingffs Good idea x don’t forget rents due for that at the end of the month x

I’m sooo gutted I didn’t bring my Nikon, the pictures I am being robbed of whilst I’m travelling is just💔

@emmagpayne2 Soz. I'll just crawl back into my cardboard box where I belong now

@JustJoshingffs Cos you’re a povo

My girl is funny 😂

@andy_androski @emmagpayne2 Wot?

Still a villain #ImACelebrity

@ladbible 1p coin

Name something we could get rid of tomorrow and nobody would miss it...

I'm on to you @rickygervais . You pretend to be woke so you can show your true colours on stage or in your writing and claim them as a joke. You're just a horrible little piggy bloke

Who wants to give me these odds for the FA to try to screw Arsenal. Game vs Tottenham to be rearranged to Apr 27th