Patrick McKeon *Chairman: Dept of Redundancy Dept

In publishing news, Magic Johnson has received a five million dollar advance from Random House for his new book, entitled "What You Can Do to Avoid AIDS." Chapter one? "Don't have sex with me."

No one beats President Trump in the game room.

@Acyn Shit. For. Brains.

Trump: By sea, by ocean, by water. A lot of people say, “what do you mean by sea? Is it see? Like vision?” No, it’s sea, SEA.

@SecDuffy @PeteButtigieg @SenWarren Shut the fuck up, ya ignorant, disingenuous shitdribble.

A long time ago, a merger was proposed… One that may have saved a struggling airline… But the Empire had other plans @PeteButtigieg @SenWarren

Once again, escalating disinhibition—embarrassing conduct in public situations—is a signature symptom of frontotemporal dementia. You could lop off the front half of his brain and he wouldn’t act any different. It’s gone anyway.

Zero dollars to lower costs. Zero dollars to protect your health care. A massive check for an out-of-control ICE, and $1 billion for Trump’s ballroom. This Republican budget bill is a disaster.

Artwork by Tony Stella

The CDC quietly stopped helping states test for infectious diseases like rabies. RFK Jr. is gutting critical public health services and making our country less safe. I'm calling on him to answer for his dangerous choices.

Dr. Evil would be a much better president

One from the vault

R.I.P. to the great Tony Stella, a friend and inspiration. This is devastating

Lindsey Graham has asked that Luke Evans be assigned to his personal security detail

Stephen Colbert: I'm looking for a new gig soon, and a lot of people tell me I should run for president. Barack Obama: Well, you certainly have the look. You have the hair. Colbert: For the record, I think it's a stupid idea. How dumb do you think it is for people to say that I should run for president? Obama: Well, you know... the bar has changed... Colbert: At times, subterranean. Obama: Let me put it this way: I think that you could perform significantly better than some folks that we've seen. Colbert: Is that an endorsement? Obama: It is not.

The one-off prequel episode of “The Bear” is raw, unsettling, tragic. Jon Bernthal and Ebon Moss-Bachrach are electric. The brilliant Marin Ireland creates an instantly memorable character. Bonus points for “Heart of the Sunrise” by Yes — and hey, that’s Southsides Bar in Alsip!

The Star Wars Day continues with Revenge of the Fifth, so we can continue celebrating modern Jedi master President Trump, who would be honored by all heroes of The Star Wars for his bravery, sex appeal, humor, and ending the War on Life Day.

Arriving back in the U.S., after his week in London, O.J. Simpson was asked by a reporter why he hadn't spent Mother's Day with his children. A visibly annoyed Simpson replied, "Idiot. I didn't spend Mother's Day with my kids... because I killed their mother."

President Trump is even more youthful than the kids, which is why he can teach them new dance moves they can show off at the sock hop and soda shops.

🚨🚨 A new report from The New York Times reveals FDA officials blocked publication of taxpayer-funded studies showing COVID-19 and shingles vaccines are SAFE, with serious side effects extremely rare. Health experts are calling this an act of censorship. Calls for investigations are already growing.

Our President has made the White House fun again as he loves a good surprise treat for the afternoon.