Liam Jobes

absolutely FUMING still shaking writing this 😡🇬🇧 been BARRED from my own local (not naming it but its in staffordshire and it used to smell like damp carpet and GLORY) and youll never guess why walked in like normal, nod to my seat, ready for a pint and a packet of crisps when the barman just goes “not tonight mate” i said WHAT DO YOU MEAN not tonight he points at this sign behind him “RESTORE BRITAIN PUB” like its some sort of official government department i said ive been coming here since before BREXIT WAS A GLINT IN ANYONES EYE he leans in and goes “we’ve had complaints… about your background” i said WHAT BACKGROUND he goes “scots dad… irish mum… its confusing people” CONFUSING PEOPLE??? i said thats literally how the UK WORKS mate then he goes “and the hair” i said WHAT ABOUT THE HAIR he says “turkish barber… we’ve noticed” like ive committed treason with a fade next thing i know the whole pub starts SINGING at me SINGING “Jerusalem” full volume, like a choir of angry uncles looking straight at me while they sing “and did those feet in ancient time” like my feet arent WELCOME on the carpet anymore one bloke even points at me on “in england’s green and pleasant land” as if to say NOT YOU MATE i said this is harassment someone shouted “learn the words first” 😡 so i walk out, dignity shattered, and now ive had to go to the SNOOKER CLUB i DONT EVEN LIKE SNOOKER just sitting there in silence watching balls gently collide like its a maths lesson tried to order a pint, bloke says “quiet please” QUIET??? im trying to DRINK not sit an exam then it gets worse they start singing at me as well “The Snooker Song” i didnt even know that was a REAL THING all whisper singing it like its some sort of cult, looking at me like im the outsider again one of them says “you wouldnt understand the angles” ANGLES??? im trying to forget ive been ethnically CONFUSED out of my local not calculate trajectories and then—this is TRUE—i bump into Captain Sensible at the bar i say mate have you seen whats happening to pubs he just laughs and says “calm down its only snooker” and walks off like that solves ANYTHING then Gemma Collins is there AGAIN (why is she everywhere) going “im not getting involved babes” while very clearly WATCHING everything no one is helping me NO ONE and ANOTHER THING i went to the local pool the other day to clear my head right, thought id have a relaxing swim came out with a VERRUCA a VERRUCA from the FLOOR walking about like im patient zero, cant even put weight on it properly, googling treatments at 2am like some sort of medical emergency, socks on in the house now like a pensioner so now ive got no pub, no dignity, a painful foot, and im being serenaded by snooker enthusiasts this is what its come to SHARE if youve been pushed out, sung at, and infected just for trying to live your life

@OneManCircus87 @VorosTwins Wait, so did the Easter bunny become a walnut?

He didn't die a 'second time,' you walnut…. After the resurrection He spent 40 days appearing to the disciples (eating fish, showing the wounds, teaching), then ascended bodily into heaven right in front of them. It's literally in the Bible (Acts 1, Luke 24). The Easter Bunny is just your midwit attempt at a gotcha. Maybe read the actual source material instead of shitposting fake ignorance on Easter weekend. 🙄

This might be a dumb question but… What killed Jesus the second time? He died on the cross, then three days later the Easter Bunny brought him back to life... and then what? Did he just go back to chilling?

@Magpie24_7 Why is everything on this app just pure AI drivel?

🤔 Newcastle United are approaching a crossroads this summer that could define the post-takeover era. After a period of transition and boardroom reshuffling, Eddie Howe has reportedly laid down a firm demand to the club's hierarchy: provide the full backing for a massive squad rebuild or risk the entire project grinding to a halt, according to Graeme Bailey. Unlike the chaotic scramble of last summer—where Eddie Howe was forced to juggle scouting with negotiations in the absence of a sporting director—we now have a streamlined structure. Ross Wilson is firmly in the hot seat as Director of Football, and the suggestion is that he and Eddie are fully aligned on the blueprint for the upcoming window. While reinforcements are being scouted across the pitch, the directive from the top is clear. A new elite centre-forward is the top priority for the club. Newcastle have struggled to find consistent, world-class output since the departure of Isak, and while Yoane Wissa and Nick Woltemade were brought in to plug the gap, Eddie Howe is determined to secure a marquee striker who can lead the line and return the club to the Champions League conversation. Beyond the frontline, the recruitment team is tracking Monaco’s Lamine Camara as a primary midfield target. The scope of the rebuild is significant, with Howe also eyeing fresh talent for the backline and a new face to challenge for the starting goalkeeper spot. The reason for such a drastic rebuild stems from the looming threat of major exits. St James’ Park is bracing for a potential drain of talent as several key stars attract interest from Europe’s so-called elite. 🇮🇹 Sandro Tonali’s camp is reportedly exploring a move away, with Real Madrid and Manchester City mooted as destinations, though his £80m valuation makes a preferred return to Serie A difficult. 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 Tino Livramento has also done little to suggest a contract extension is imminent, leaving Manchester City and Arsenal circling the 23-year-old defender. 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 Furthermore, Anthony Gordon remains linked with a move to the Emirates, while Bruno Guimarães continues to attract admirers from across the continent 🇧🇷 Eddie Howe isn't just asking for players; he's asking for a statement of intent. With Isak gone and the foundation of the squad being tested by rival bids, this summer represents the first real opportunity for Ross Wilson and Eddie Howe to work in tandem from the outset. Eddie’s commitment to the club remains genuine, but he knows that to compete at the very top of English football, the recruitment must be flawless. What do you think? Who should be our primary striker target this summer? 🎯 #NUFC #NUFCNews #Newcastle #EPL

@MrJeffreyWilson @MenInBlazers Please for the love of god stop calling it a PK, it's embarrassing

@MenInBlazers PK was correct call. However, I wonder what we do on FVS with the attacker holding the defender at the top of the box when the kick was taken. Player was wrapped up and may have been able to head the ball.

A trial allowing two coaches' VAR challenges a game is underway in the Canadian Premier League 📺 Atletico Ottawa just became the first team to use it. Penalty or no penalty? 🧐

@lane_d12 @Keir_Starmer Aye I'm sure they've said equally as stupid things 🤣 what a moronic comment

@Keir_Starmer Very Rich coming from you. You need to sack Miliband, Lammy, Reeves, Phillips ……. Just sack every single LabourMP and then resign

Shameful. Nigel Farage should do the decent thing and sack him.

@Txp_RBI_Xctuxl Still want to see a solid Colditz film

I feel like we've reached the end of WW2 movies. All of the interesting stories have been told. Now we get movies about black women sorting mail in England and the meteorologist that did the weather forecast for D-Day.

@SuellaBraverman Suella, you're a fucking moron

Global warming?!? Just over a week to go until Easter and we need to get our big coats back out! I wouldn’t mind a bit more global warming to be honest, right now.

@IsabelOakeshott Why answer a question so stupid? I'm no Starmer lover but Christ, Farage barely asked a question, he just uses his air time to spaff gibberish

IF the Prime Minister cannot or will not answer serious questions, then there is no point in PMQs-it’s just bad theatre. He doesn’t deserve an audience

They’re firing missiles at us ffs

@tszzl Oooft that's one fat L opinion

the dune movies were doomed from the start to be good and not great due to the casting of chalamet as paul. he does not have the gravitas for a child-god and is much better suited for kind of silly coming of age movies

@markgoldbridge Cos the balls fucking miles away? It's not even a pen. Absolutely bought

Trippier is a prat. Just cost Newcastle the game and it'll be a red

@PolitlcsUK This is illegal 🤣🤣 fucking morons

🚨 WATCH: Robert Jenrick launches a competition where Nigel Farage will pay for a year's worth of household energy bills for an entire street

@LozzaFox God knows what that makes you then.Apart from being a failure in the acting and political worlds as well as the courts. Sexual misconduct charges, misogyny and racism. I genuinely don't think a word has been invented for you that suits better than cunt.

Retard.

@EdwardJDavey Wait until you find out about Charles replacing Lizzy on the coins, gonna be fucking mayhem

Winston Churchill helped defeat fascism in Europe. He deserves better than being replaced by a badger 🦡

@JeremyClarkson @harriepw Who cares about it though? It's literally people over the age of 50-60 who are even mentioning it. It's just a non issue

@harriepw But you’re a journalist. You should at least be interested.

I really can’t force myself to care about the badger / Churchill banknote thing

@Rory_Talks_Ball Rory, take the bias glasses off. Fucking hell

The fact that people were immediately so hellbent that this wasn’t a penalty says a lot It’s so, but there’s clearly contact and it’s a ridiculous challenge to make

On a human level, what's happening to Spurs is really sad but it must continue.

@AdamJoseph @PowerBoy__ Hahahaha

@PowerBoy__ Angry, terrible place & fanbase.

Lamine Yamal makes it 1-1 at St James Park. Natural justice for Barcelona, stonewall decision as they come after Malick Thiaw's clumsy challenge. A small club like Newcastle need to be put in their place sometimes. Black & White Bellends. x.com/DlFF966/status…

@Nigel_Farage I'm sure the Tories who stripped our armed forces to pay their rich mates and are now in your Reform ranks are shocked and appalled

It has taken Labour two weeks to send a single naval vessel from Portsmouth behind me to defend our British base in Cyprus. The depleted state of our armed forces is making the rest of the world lose respect for us. This is a wake-up call.

@zSlav2 @LSeffz Mackem detected

@LiamJobes1 @LSeffz Bender

That Newcastle speech from the stands maybe one of the most cringe moments of the sporting year