Boomer

(Throwing up white foam) My foam !

Me *frantically walking around to every other tribe member on Survivor*: If you vote me out tonight I'm going to kill you in real life. Don't make me do this. Please don't make me do this.

Pioneering the “Irish Hello” where I turn up unannounced to a friend’s location

(Making small talk) who are you

fantasy football punishment: call in an amber alert on your own car and then drive around until you get pulled over

thanks to AI our slow and humiliating national suicide will be punctuated by visual media that is so good even a dog could jack off to it

My favourite productivity hack is to eat your lunch as soon as you get to work. Get it out of the way

🎂

🚨 🎥 This Manchester United vs Bayern Munchen final will forever be the greatest Final in football history 🔴

Sensei: you lack discipline. You jack off without purpose Me: I jack off to bust, old man Sensei: (wry smile) heh. You have much to learn..

Each war is justified by noting how it won't be like the last one.

walking up to a stranger and saying "all is forgiven" then walking away

lacan once said 'the very foundation of interhuman discourse is misunderstanding.' what the hell is that supposed to mean you french fag

(after charging a punch for 34 years) watch this (I miss)

Old lady in front of me in line at coffee shop had a perfectly normal exchange with the barista and then turned around, told me I had beautiful hair and asked me if I wanted to dance with her. When I pointed out that there was no music playing she started scatting

this is an absolute masterpiece i’m in tears😭

In 8th grade I refused to do the pledge of allegiance at school in protest of the War in Iraq and the shop teacher got so mad that he fully left work and they had to get a substitute teacher the rest of the day.

i wonder how long you could drive in a roundabout before a cop would be like hey you cant do that anymore

hahaha, oh ambassador, your wit and charm is only matched by your diplomatic capabilities. would you excuse me for a moment? (whispering to my guard) negotiations have gone sour. get ready to kill everyone in the room right now