Mazza T 〓〓

@VickyPattison Ive just finished rewatching The Sopranos.... definitely worth a watch.

Is anyone watching anything good at the minute??? We're just about finished stranger things- no spoilers please! And I'm looking for something to fill that gap? 😂

My cat kept opening cupboards and ripping open food packets while I was at work. So I installed CCTV in the kitchen with a speaker so I can tell her her to stop from my desk at work. After 12 days she learned to knock the camera away first so I couldn't see. Clever girl.

@jaykay3737 @qikipedia I came here to say this.

Potatoes can be genetically modified with jellyfish genes to glow green and set off an alarm when they need watering.

@bocadelmortis @fesshole I'd suggest a huge number of the population.....

@fesshole Who doesn't wash it after every use?

When nobody is looking, I eat the greasy sludge from the bottom of the air fryer. The quality is variable, depending on what I've been cooking, but occasionally it'll be the best thing I've ever tasted.

@WilliamWeirFun @fesshole Saved for future reference 🙌 👌 👏

@fesshole I mean it's clever and I applude your thinking but

In the mid 90s on a lot of Fridays, I used to phone in fake traffic incident reports to Piccadilly Radio in Manchester in the hope there would be fewer people taking my route home to Knutsford. Sorry all.

My twin brother and I both used the exact same photo of him for our passports to save money because we are completely identical except for I have a big mole on my foreskin. I gambled that wouldn't be an issue. It hasn't been so far.

@StephenMerchant What a great story! I love that you two sound exactly like each other.

From Bristol to a galaxy far, far away…

@flynnslick This movie made me hysterically upset and unable to drive for 20 minutes after the end.

Alright tell me a movie that made you stare blankly at a wall for 20 minutes after it finished. One that you couldn’t stop thinking about and made you question everything.

@NoContextBrits Still got mine with all my qualifications firmly inside!!!!

Who remembers leaving school with this, ready to take on the world?

@Michael1979 I honestly think this is you at the pinnacle of whatever possible human creativity there is- the best I've seen from you so far, and I honestly think this has legs! You are going to change the world with this one! Bravo 👏 👏 👏

Why do we only congratulate people for achieving big stuff like getting a new job, graduating, having a baby etc? We need to congratulate people who achieve smaller stuff too

@fesshole I don't know whether to be impressed with the level of scientific experimentation or quite frankly horrified. 🤷🏼‍♀️

In school in the 80s me and my best mate did an experiment to see if we could successfully transplant a bogey to each other. I still shudder recalling the sensation of sticking his slimy goober into my nose. It fell out at dinner that night.

@fesshole What a way to show your husband you've been faking it with him all these years.... I'm guessing he made parallels between both the porn and at home with him performances! 😬

Wanted to surprise my husband by suggesting we watch porn together. The real surprise was I'd managed to track down the film I performed in as a student. unfortunately he was not impressed and didn't enjoy seeing me acting in a porno. This is very sad because I did a few more.

Why wouldn't they? They need to eat! I wouldn't mind if my cats ate me if it meant they survived.

@gunsnrosesgirl3 Cats!

@AndyGilder Bravo my man 👏👏👏👏👏👏

Pupper Lazarou

@fesshole Please please please 🙏 can the housemate be a follower of fesshole.... it would make my day if they finally got reunited with their CD.

My housemate at uni in had a copy of Older by George Michael. Sick of hearing Fastlove on repeat, I removed the CD from his room and placed it inside the lining of the sofa where I imagine it still resides. We're still friends and I have always denied responsibility.

@Beska @bethbourdon I had a goldfish from the fair in 1982 (I was 2) and thank god they don't have them at fairs any more. Anyhoo he lived for 16 years in tap water.... I think you've done a wonderful thing in rescuing Alice.

@bethbourdon It’s the last time I pick up a fish from the garden, I’ll tell you that much for free

this man is getting dragged for his current 11 hours of care of a fish he happened to find alive in his front yard

@Beska @Medic_Russell Would they rather you'd let it die? Some people are absolute plonkers!

@Medic_Russell i’ve already been threatened with the RSPCA because my tank isn’t 200 litres russell

Alice is swimming around in lots of the right chemicals and bacteria don’t worry x

@_Tatey @fesshole 👆🤣😂

@fesshole Please be Ronnie Pickering

My landlord was a famous actor, who weirdly oversaw all maintenance himself. Whenever he showed up, boiler, window lock, sticky door issues, I would always pretend I had no idea he was famous. When I moved out he said "do you really not know who I am?" Worth it.

@karen_renton @PinPoola @fesshole Sorry didn't see your reply before I replied lol

@PinPoola @fesshole A cream puff type thing. Like a giant profiterole

I once went into a cake shop and ordered one of every cream cake they had because I was too embarrassed to ask for an elephant's foot.