MichaelTrying

One day I'd like to try out an intended consequence.

@NOLAJake The Queen trade will always have been bad process, but he looks promising. How far do the Pels have to fall in the draft for it to look like maybe they got the better player after all.

Any burning Pelicans questions for the show this week?

[doing curls with a Whopper in Burger King] *turns to lady behind me* It's a double

Got shoved in a locker at the gym again for calling the four dudes on the treadmills 'bro-etry in motion'.

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions And send

One time my wife bought some white lawn fertilizer so I called it 'growcaine' and then my mother in law tried to drown me in the toilet.

WIFE: I saw a couch I really like in IKEA ME: Can we affjord it HER: Get out.

The most badass piece of graffiti I ever saw said “Fuck Airbnb”

School mornings are so sweet, I put my kids’ lunches in their backpacks, tell them I love them, hand them their obscenely large Stanley water buckets and send them on their way.

I have a friend I text with twice a year on our birthdays, and both times we say we miss each other and should get together soon and sincerely mean it, and then never actually get together and it’s the best.

Oh, your man sends you flirty texts? Big deal, my phone gets blown up all day with login verification codes and doctor’s appointment reminders.

*Tells my mom and mother-in-law a piece of news about my 14yo daughter* 14: OMG CAN YOU NOT TELL THE ENTIRE BLOODLINE???

Me: Ugh, look at how obnoxious this Facebook post is. It’s just an excuse to brag, their marriage probably isn’t even that happy. Also me: *hearts post*

When random strangers ask if my daughter got her red hair from the mailman, I find it very offensive. Like first of all, our mailman isn’t even attractive.

@IAPolls2022 @NateSilver538

#latest @NateSilver538 forecast (9/27) Chance of winning 🟦 Harris: 58% (new high) 🟥 Trump: 42% Electoral Votes 🟦 Harris: 284 🏆 🟥 Trump: 254 —— Swing States: chance of winning Michigan - 🔵 Harris 68-32% Wisconsin - 🔵 Harris 62-38% Pennsylvania - 🔵 Harris 62-38% Nevada - 🔵 Harris 59-41% North Carolina - 🔴 Trump 58-42% Arizona - 🔴 Trump 64-36% Georgia - 🔴 Trump 60-40% —— @Polymarket odds 🟦 Harris: 51% 🟥 Trump: 49% Polymarket swing states odds 👇 polymarket.com/elections

[wife comes home to se me wearing cooked spaghetti on my head] I'm a pastafarian Sharon

Why did they call them voice notes and not earmail