SpacedMom

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

@copymama Also every time you read an email, 10 more unread ones pop up.

[Arriving in Hell] *Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

A scammer called me and said he had all my passwords... "You're a lifesaver! Hang on while I grab a pen and paper."

me: i make a mean grilled cheese my grilled cheese: go fuck yourself

One-upping the other new members at juggling club by starting with katanas

Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.

In France, automobile thieves are called carjacquers.

Back in the day Mike Tyson was known as Iron Mike and he was a Fe-nom send tweet

[Getting tazed on the bus] I’m the conductor now lmfaoooo

[sees a guy selling drugs outside the supermarket] *whispers to self* Pablo Tescobar

Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese's peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash

What must a pancake think when it's being flipped? Doubtless something jolly.

@jentheboo123 “She would maybe help you out if no one else was available.”

@copymama 'Jen was...such a good speller. And she was always so well hydrated.'

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

Nancy Drew and the case of the mysterious acronym my teen sent me that I can’t figure out.

Kidnapper: your coming with me Me: * you’re