Moose McTwink

@iamfonda thanks for taking a stand. 'You do your own thing in your own time. You should be proud' #VivaLaFonda

@DonaldJTrumpJr now just imagine your little brother is one of those kids who's actually being mistreated and direct that phony macho bullshit in the right direction! #VivaLaFonda

@K1063sarnia is there not an obligation to state that psychics are strictly for entertainment purposes?

Most surprising appointment in Trump administration so far? Ivanka as first lady @realDonaldTrump

Has @realDonaldTrump considered @BillCosby for VP? Guaranteed to get 100% of the rapist vote

@TazFM96 " if she gets to pick" meaning she has already been elected. He's saying they should shoot her

I think the only reason I grew a beard is to have something I can stroke in public without getting arrested

I think starving Africans would hate us even more if they knew we have porn with women inserting vegetables into their vaginas

I think my libido is dead. I could count in one hand the number of erections I've had in 2015

The small part of my heart that is still alive rejoices in triumph after my first sip of whiskey in the morning.

Human nature is the ugliest part of nature

That sinking moment when you realize you're not even on her radar....

Online dating profile asked about drinking habits but doesn't list "it's complicated" so I just put down "socially"

Don't be sad, laundry. Nobody's doing me either.

Twitter is kind of like a tailgate party at the Special Olympics

I think I inadvertently drew a picture of the prophet Muhammed while pissing in the snow today... Am I in trouble now?

Spent the last hour trying to construct a tweet involving life handing Renee Zellweger lemons. The previous sentence is the best I could do

This morning I got to hand over every penny I have for a divorce settlement. So here I am Twitter. Tonight... you're my slutty ex. LOVE ME

A friend of mine told me I should be more positive. After an entire week, I still haven't got AIDS but my ass is killing me