Carrianne

I hate it when someone exaggerates while I'm doing a hundred things at once.

[phone call] you have a call from.. MOM DON'T HANG UP MY LIFE IS NOT A WRECK -an inmate at the county jail. to accept this call press 1

I like how Dr. Oz wears scrubs on his show like he may have to fucking operate

It feels good to mean something to someone. Just make sure you also mean something to yourself.

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

There are people and places that become a part of you Forever and always.

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I'm not drinking.

If I could spend my life sleeping I'd be happy

I enjoy complaining to new parents about how my cat always wakes me up if I nap too long.

Sometimes I feel I don't belong here. Me, every day, everywhere.

In high school I was voted, "Most likely to continue existing… probably"

"Are you proud of all your achievements?" [flashback to that time I flipped the pillow to get 20 seconds of cool pillow] Yes.

The first person who said congratulations at wedding really set a trend I'm pretty sure they were been sarcastic

[calls neighbour] Me: you've had my lawnmower for over a week Neighbour [solemnly]: my son went missing Me: did he take my fucken lawnmower

It's cute how I buy a bag of sweet and salty mix instead of a bag of m&m's Then eat the candy and throw away the nuts.

how to impress ur friends: 1. roll up in ur Ferrari 2. no, not a Honda 3. wow that's rusty 4. why's it 4 colors? 5. um, just drive away