Lisa, Duchess of Netflix

My default setting is 'disappointed'.

Bro’s working day and night to make people forget he was in Twilight.

Audiobooks should all be read by Charles Barkley.

‘Homer’s’ Odyssey? Literally no one from The Simpsons was in it. Disappointed.

CANADA WILDFIRES: Get ready for some air pollution! LETTUCE: Way ahead of you.

I just want to thank Canada for trying to sage the evil out of the US.

My neighbor is having a pool party maybe I should go over there and tell them if they dont keep it down I'm calling the cops

Netflix. My Mom calls it Nextflix.

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass; it’s about learning how to make seven million dollars a year conducting exorcisms over the phone.

$100 isn't a lot of money anymore.

@DestryBrod It's my favorite non horror movie. I can't tell you how many times I've seen it.

@MsLisaM Believe it or not I've never seen Grease all the way through. Although Grease is the word is one of my favorite songs.

This tweet didn't do well when I posted it but it's used on Instagram by so many mom accounts and inspirational post accounts.

Matt Damon isn't Greek, yet I don't see backlash about him playing Odysseus in The Odyssey.

The worst thing about trying to parallel park is the witnesses.

Tonight at a shopping mall , I watched a 5 year old boy ask a little girl if he could hug her because he liked her sweater. She said, "No.” He smiled, "Okay! I like your sweater. Bye!" and ran back to his dad. To his dad, he proudly said: "I didn't hug her because she said no... but I told her I liked her sweater!" His dad replied, “Cool, buddy!" ...and they went on shopping. If a 5-year-old boy can understand consent and respect a "No," then so can every adult

Ibuprofen looking around in my body not knowing where to start:

I make poor decisions when I don’t get enough sleep and also when I do

We need a national quiet day where everyone just shuts up for 24 hours

If Taco Bell and Charmin were smart they'd start making commercials together.

*kicks your door in*

“That is not the way, this is the way.” -me giving the wrong directions

Told a guy about how we used to record music off the radio onto cassettes and he looked at me like I saw Lincoln get shot live