Mike Muff

Not sure what the youth do for fun these days. My personal recommendation is to call an Uber and wipe so many boogers all over the seats. It’s fucking sick

I’ll also be able to get an autograph from Mike Trout. Talk about a pair of muscles on that guy

I will be sending out letters to MLB organizations threatening to kill myself if they don’t let me throw out the first pitch at one of their games. Really tough spot for them to be in. They will cave.

Me limping out of the bar after housing 14 Samual Adam’s pale ales as the nearest bystander pleas with me to not get behind the wheel

If you can legally change your gender then why the hell can’t I change my Hummer H2 into a traveling beer consuming pod #hummerbeers

@Leinmann91 If she’s 8 or younger then you two have it covered. However, 9 and up is fair game for me to take a turn

On a ferry with @Muff_and_Stuff. We are currently sitting next to a family. Their little girl is making fun of my son Isaac, I’m gonna let Isaac do horrible things with his walking cane to her, then it’s my turn #cerebalpalsy #mikemuff

@CTECOWBOY5 @PLLNationals You and me both brother. You seem like my kind of guy

@PLLNationals That’s more something that I should be tweeting brother.

Love me some thick thighs

@Leinmann91 I fucking hate that kid Jason, but your son sounds so short that even I would advise Trish to not let her son play with him. And you can bet your ass if I had a kid of my own he would beat the shit out of Isaac in school

@Muff_and_Stuff Jason and my son Isaac should hangout! Isaac has autism and cerebral palsy so I hope Jason is ok with that. Need Isaac to get out of the house once in awhile, his retardation is really starting to piss me off

My neighbor is getting in my grill again about my dogs pooping in her lawn. Does she not know what 6 Great Danes could do to her little boy Jason? That’s why you’re a single mother, Trish. Jason’s lack of a male role will ultimately lead him to an empty and unfulfilled life.

I’m one more person not saying thank you when I hold the door for them away from doing something catastrophic and irreversible

@Leinmann91 Agreed, Dewey. Stop the hate towards anti-semites!!! #justice

So happy Myers Leonard got another chance in the league. Dude said antisemetic slur… so what? I call my son and daughter worse things every day, because they suck #myersleonard #palestine

I would burn small bugs with a magnifying glass as a child. I think a lot of my emotional troubles have stemmed from that. I think that’s why I have trouble with relationships. And not because I drink a 12 pack everyday and then yell at people. #selfreflection #coorsbanquet12pack

@SharronLea54 @officiallaxgirl Not even going to get into it with a chick who has blue hair. Since you’re so interested in my hemroid I’ll have you know when I had my hemroid I was shitting out better looking things than you, lady.

This is so lame lmao what does he think a tampon represents? Quickly, make it make sense.

My apologies. I was just informed that East Palestine is actually in Ohio. I thought we were talking about those desert guys. #oops

Not sure why everyone is making a big deal about East Palestine and their “undrinkable water”. You think those cowards give a damn about any of us? In my eyes they’re still enemies of the state. #Palestine #nobueno

(To the guy standing next to me in the bathroom using an electric toothbrush) I’ll see you in hell brother.

@USALacrosseMag @StanfordFball @UVAMensLax Miezan hits the A-gap harder than Lars hits the shower with the squad post game

FROM @StanfordFball TO @UVAMensLax 😤 Ricky Miezan has arrived in the first quarter with a goal.

@PLLNationals @CoasterCruz @tweet_reader57 I wonder what the ratio of Paul Rabil’s cock to the space in your mouth is.

@CoasterCruz @tweet_reader57 Ratio

These Blue Devils are overhyped. If I didn’t tear my groin in the same year of high school as being diagnosed with alarmingly high blood pressure I would’ve blown them out of the water. I could’ve put O’Neil in a fucking pretzel back in my day. #BROniel