MyMomologue

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything. Step One: Have kids.

Welcome to parenthood. You will never again be able to find an operational flashlight, a pen, or scotch tape, ever.

no new years resolutions. it is the circumstances turn to improve

the fact that 2021 is already over is proof that time also flies when you are NOT having fun

I'm still waiting for the Cocomelon song about leaving mom alone until she finishes her coffee

I’m going to Costco. Anybody need me to pick up 50lbs of rice or a kayak??

My five year plan is to move to a different state and get really involved in Renaissance Faire role play.

if ben platt can do the dear evan hansen movie as a grown man i see no reason why idina and kristin cant do the wicked movie who's with me

You guys gotta try this new prank I’ve been doing. Go into a restaurant and act INSANELY nice and polite to the wait staff. Never break character. And then at the end when they bring the check LMFAO leave a HUGE tip. Like 50%. Got his ass.

Why are people allowed at school board meetings if their kids don’t even attend the school?

Girls don’t like boys girls like those bowls that aren’t quite bowls but aren’t quite plates that are really good for pasta

My cousin is going to be a dad soon and I feel like I need to break it to him that all that calming lavender baby stuff is fake news.

*frantically flipping through parenting books* WHERE’S THE CHAPTER ON HOW TO CHANGE THE SHEETS ON A BUNK BED?

Motherhood is oscillating wildly between being greatly annoyed your children won’t give you space and being deeply honored that you are their safe place.

People say social media is bad, but I find it helps my parenting. Like today, my daughter snacked on strawberries, cheese, grapes, and crackers. Without social media, I would feel badly that she hadn’t had a “real meal,” but now I feel proud that she’s eaten a charcuterie board.

I don’t have to lose weight before school starts. I don’t have to lose weight before my friend’s wedding. I don’t have to lose weight before my MIL visits. I don’t have to lose weight before the holidays. I don’t have to lose weight in the new year. I don’t have to lose weight.

When my child hears someone say stupid, she doesn’t say “That’s unkind,” she says “That’s not love.” Once again, my kids are teaching me to look at the world differently. I find myself asking less “Is this right or wrong?” and asking instead “Is this love?”

The thing I’m just now realizing about permission is that I can give it to myself.

And she would, too! HAPPY BIRTHDAY @MomOnFire!!! 💗

My kid has been talking about his video game since dawn, and still the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard all day is the “proper” serving size of this frozen pizza.