Næmï on Mars

Ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking jk I thought this was the lavatory haha hey let me go

Dream : take the elevator to get to the bathroom My unconscious : pee in the elevator with everyone watching, got it

@HarleyShah What do you mean what shit, everything he touches turns to shit

What shit exactly is he getting done?

A lot of stuff is better having than not but some stuff is not

🎶 and you are the wind beneath my uh capsized boat ? Sorry the metaphor got away from me

if you try any funny shit with me i'll laugh

@sliceofheck Ffs dude has his own world

The next Super Mario game should include a button that just makes Mario sit down and start weeping because it’s been 40 years of this shit and he’s a very old man

@ToriatheistTori Identical twins be like

Excuse me are these cigarettes gluten free ?

@thelifeoftoad @kipconlon I can't not

Can you imagine? No worries if not

Out of the whole animal kingdom I'd hate to be the bear of bad news

@noqueefsgiven @chilledspectre What's next, moisting ?

the united states invents the fakest crimes, what the fuck is a "loitering"

@sliceofheck @BridgeLivwat Thing keeps growing and growing 😱

An entire human body just came out of my wife and I’m not supposed to think she’s a witch???

I destroy my enemy when I make him my friend. Because I’m a really really shitty friend

Brain: let me make sense of this Me: nooo I like it weird

@highsieze6 @HighlyIngenious Multidimensional haunting 👻>👻>👻>😱

@NaemiHan @HighlyIngenious is this even possible

the ouiji board has been asking about you all week

@crankhart @bugsquelcher There's a snack machine

When you go to the gym what are you supposed to do

As a man, sometimes you have to make a choice between mocking astrology and getting laid

There's something about trustworthy people I just don't trust 🤔

@1ssve *escapes out the bathroom window*

How do you professionally say, “I’m not staying past 5pm, no matter what” in corporate?