slice

“Let’s just hope this information was worth the lives it cost to get it,” I say, shoving the flash drive up my ass

take a penis, leave a penis

Alexa, keep farting

My bitch wife every goddamn time I take a shit: IN THE TOILET! IN THE TOILET YOU FUCKING MORON

Why reboot & recast only superhero movies? what about Sophie's Choice?

taking a shower for old times sake

white people be like i put my mom in an arm bar

Wearing the crinkled hide of an elderly man in the vainglorious attempt to receive a small discount on admittance to the morning matinee

I would never approach a celebrity in a public restroom and ask for their autograph. So, ridiculous. A non-celebrity however…

i jerk off with my pants on cause i’m afraid a spider will crawl up my ass

5 year old just said, “Dad I’m gonna take a big ol dump on your face”

*sexting* Hah! Gross

@tunaofthesky 🤨

Every time I see a Liberty Mutual commercial I decide against ever having any kind of insurance.

"Oh bother," Pooh smiles as he holds Piglet's head under water just a bit longer

Oh no my enemy just texted me he received the bouquet of flowers I sent which means my mother is about to receive a boxing glove on a spring

Wife: Did you hear about the hantavirus? Me: I know that tone. We’re not getting rid of the rat feces

Cool AI at shirt man. We should use you as fuel haha

Slapping my mother’s belly and saying “I came out of HERE” for Mother’s Day

For Mother's Day, I sent mine a friend request.

Drs be like here's the worst news of your life, sorry I got to take this call