Dick Rentals

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

@MikeSchism Phony loves Crotchy.

"I'm only trying to OWN people." - Twitter

@OnlineAlison Is this the white girl version of this?

When is 2023, and your "liberal" friends on Facebook are still posting, "If you're still a Trump supporter, please explain why..." It's okay to finally cut them loose if you haven't already.

"I wish my shit had a dick so I could blow it." - Matt Gaetz

@kellyoxford As my mama always told me, "Dress for the fascism you want, not for the fascism you have."

It's the year 2023. President Biden gives the US Medal of Freedom to every white person who said "Imagine if a black person did this" between the years 2016 and 2021.

@MarthaKelly3 @anylaurie16 Why though? Is this shameful? If so, why? Knock it off, trying to make sexuality a shameful thing.

@curlycomedy @lisa_curry Hey, wait! I got some eggs and grapes! Forever in debt to this Thanksgiving vice!

@lisa_curry *cries in hardboiled eggs and grapes*

I was never going to go home for Thanksgiving anyway

If you feel more threatened by Harry Styles wearing a dress than you do by your neighbors flying a Nazi flag, your opinion doesn't matter anymore.

Whiter World.

On the news that Alec Baldwin and Kelsey Grammar are in talks to do a sitcom together i can't help but think.. "Oh I hear the rapists calling, racists and scrambled rape..."

Put me in the "I wished he'd concede peacefully but, if not, I hope he's in deep pain once he's forcefully dragged out" category.

@briangaar Headbangers' Ball was the original Rupaul's Drag Race.

If Twitch wasn't being a pain about copyrighted music, I would turn my stream into Headbanger's Ball

@DrThanatos Sad people can be awesome in bed when we think this might be the last sex we have before we kill ourselves.

I've lost so many family members to the Coronavirus. It's so sad. They didn't die, they were just anti-mask. They're dead to me. It's still kinda sad.

@hypeman Not gonna lie, he does have nice legs, though. So sad about whatever the neck up is doing.

We get it, you didn't go to Harvard.

@OnlineAlison Y'know, a lot of people give Ryan Murphy shit for starting a season strong and then losing it at the end, but give him credit. Roanoke was a mess from episode one.

@BigHern If you have a meeting at FunnyOrDie and lived to tell the tale, doesn't that mean you're...?

I’ve had ONE general meeting (Funny or Die) and the guy didn’t know who I was 😏

@PaulyPeligroso It's "haha" if you know they're trying to be funny but weren't. It's "hahaha" if they were actually funny. It's "you're stupid" if it wasn't funny but you're not sure if they were trying to be funny.

I dont text "lol" I text "hahahaha" cause I laugh like Dracula and shit