Abbi Crutchfield

Grilled cheese is made by burning one side and then nervously undercooking the other.

@amythecutiee lol

Nosferatu dares to ask the question: what if vampires weren’t hot?

I attended one free event in NYC, and now I get invitations daily from the event platform that hosted it. This marketing is more persistent than church, with more opportunities than 12-step meetings. I’ll never be lonely again.

@RodLacroix Please retweet

@curlycomedy Trump was elected so now everything is a free for all

When Friday the 13th is in December.

You know what? Feliz Navidad 😂😂😂

@KevOnStage I have had Popeyes for so long, not only did I recognize this by the fries next to the shape of the chicken, but I also rode past a KFC and flashed back to my childhood.

I’m so embarrassed that I know where this plate came from.

If they delete Tik Tok how will we get Katt Williams as Obi Wan Kenobi?!

@JheneHaiku @KevOnStage Literally what I did 😭

@KevOnStage Im sorry?!!

@KevOnStage I laughed until I covered my eyes with both hands. Shew

@django When you’re done with those check out I’m Only Holding This On the Subway to Seem Smart. Best book to read while checking your phone.

contemporary fiction

Happy Friday the 13th during the holiday season. Don’t worry; today Jason only murders people wearing ugly Christmas sweaters.

My favorite homemade Christmas ornament.

My Shark Tank pitch is a cereal decanter with a slim compartment where you slide in the back panel of the cereal box so your kid can still enjoy breakfast.

You need to develop atomic habits to be able to read Atomic Habits, and that is just unacceptable to me.

Cocktail party guy: What do you do? Me: I critique. I’m opinionated. CPG: You…write op-eds? You’re a critic? Me: Not exactly. I make snarky comments on viral posts and get thousands of likes.

@RodLacroix TP Santa

Every year we do a ridiculous tree-topper. These are our past ones. Which is your fave?