Jack Presidia

The main problem with blowjobs, all economists agree, is the price. A blowjob is a service; we cannot simply mass produce blowjobs at a blowjob factory. They’re nontransferable; we cannot simply load shipping containers with cheap Chinese blowjobs for import. Nor even can we take advantage of parallelization; basic geometry limits the number of customers a mouth, no matter how enthusiastic, can please at once. Baumol’s cost disease comes for us all. If these basic facts inflate the price, the regulatory environment makes it positively tumescent. Governments go out of their way to criminalize this victimless transaction. To the extent that blowjobs are tolerated, they are tolerated only in specific places, at specific times, and with very, very specific partners. Supply tumbles, prices skyrocket, and the American consumer suffers. But--and now, I speak to you directly, Senator @tedcruz--what if it didn't have to be this way? This idea was shared with me by a friend south of the border, Juan Vilsón. He’s an entrepreneur, and a bold one. His original business idea, to place small gay men (he called them his jinetes) in boxes to fellate long-haul truckers, was a complete failure. No matter what illustrations, magazines, or disclaimers he might affix to the box’s exterior, the customer could always somehow tell the occupant was male. Per his customers, this “ruined it.” He and his jinetes were despondent. Drinking away his sorrows at a bar (recommended by one of his employees for its nice atmosphere), he chanced upon a zookeeper with a problem of his own. I have done my best to translate the zookeeper’s words to English: “The bonobos won’t stop sucking each other off!” Señor Vilsón wasn’t the type to ignore an opportunity. You see, Ted (if I may be so familiar?), besides humans, there are at least 4 other animal species that, from time to time, fellate one another. Only one of those species has lips. They are also trainable. And they come in female. I trust I do not need to spell out exactly how Señor Vilsón brought his new vision to life. I believe the image attached to this post does that quite well! However, I also trust a gentleman of your stature has some concerns. It would be improprietous not to. So please, allow me to pre-empt your questions and set your worries to rest. “What about the teeth?” A perfectly natural concern, and in fact one of the first obstacles Señor Vilsón dealt with. A botched, bloody beta test necessitated fast action here. The solution was dead simple: surgically remove the bonobos’ teeth. “What about consent?” It speaks well of you that you would ask, Senator. Vilsón and his jinetes (now working in operations instead of in boxes) thought very carefully to ensure that no bonobo would be coerced into joining the oldest profession. They developed the following system: All bonobos are granted Universal Basic Income. Regardless of what they choose to do, all their basic needs for food, comfort, and safety will be met, but only just. A bonobo may happen upon another eating a yummy banana or juicy mango. If she too wishes to enjoy such delicacies, she quickly learns there is a way to earn them. All completely voluntary, of course. “And what about STDs?” What a stupid question, Ted. Frankly, the idea of a human catching an STD from a monkey is ridiculous. Vilsón’s Bonoboxes now dot truckstops from Oaxaca to Chihuahua. The bonobo, once an endangered species, has been brought back from the brink. Human sex trafficking feels like a distant dream. And naturally, the prices have fallen. In the sun-baked lands of Mexico, blowjobs are no longer just for the elite. Senator Cruz, I have secured exclusive licensing rights to Bonobox for both the United States and your home country of Canada. All I need from you is a clear regulatory path forward. With your help, we can bring the amazing benefits of this revolutionary product to the American people. And, although it pains me to do so, I am also willing to throw in a lifetime discount. I eagerly await your reply.