Jess

All of the wedding stress and YALL - waiting in line at the Social Security Office for name change has got to be THE WORST PART. Why isn’t anyone wearing deodorant? Why are you coughing so much? Why are you sitting so close to me? 😭

Hey @PetSmart I’m begging you to please fix whatever email bug is going on cause my fish tank doesn’t need automatic ordering of food omg

I’ll eat my words and accept the “I told you so’s” if true, but as a life-long Taylor Swift fan, there is ZERO CHANCE they are actually getting married in fucking Madison Square Garden.

4 days out from the wedding and if I get either of these questions 1 more time, I’m going to lose it - what time is the wedding? - what should I wear? - have you seen the forecast? - can I bring a guest? OR MY FAVORITE from people who RSVPed no: - can I actually come now?

sometimes when i’m laughing i think about detroit sports and suddenly nothing is funny

Build the statue of Tobias right now @DetroitPistons #nbaplayoffs

Help I’m hammered and TikTok is showing me videos of universal studios Yoshi Land and I’m either crying or laughing because of how cute

I’m fucking hilarious

Whoops you’re too late gotta be quicker than that

This is full of Long Island iced tea someone stop me from ordering 80 glow sticks for my wedding that’s 6 weeks away

absolutely no one: Andy Dirks and Jason Benetti: hey so what if we read the telecast promos in reverse?

my dad has entered the masters lottery the second it opened every year for 20+ years, and a lot of his friends too. has never won, and may not ever win. i may never win the lottery. but i am glad that all these influencers who film and dress up in tacky outfits get to go instead

The whiplash I gave myself hearing this MFers name be said during the Pistons/Bucks game. 2024 March Madness PTSD

Being the Michigan State alum at work is cool and all until everybody asks if you’re watching the championship tonight. No, Sharon. In fact, we’re never doing an office bracket challenge again. I never even liked basketball.

My dad got tickets to The Masters one year and took a friend of his. Apparently they were walking around the grounds, marveling at Augusta's beauty and what have you. Normal stuff for a really cool experience. At some point, they got hungry, so of course went to get some food. Everything was inexpensive, great. Part of the charm. My dad told his friend he had to get the pimento cheese, because that's *the* thing to do at the Master's (no clue if that's true or not - my dad's words). His friend just said okay, got a pimento cheese, wolfed it down, and that was the end of it. That night, back at their hotel, the friend got ill. Like, deathly ill, getting sick, fever, hives, the whole thing. They went to a hospital and the friend recovered enough for them to drive home. To this point, my dad still had no clue what in the world had happened. By the time my dad drops his friend off at his house back in Arkansas, he said to my dad: "those pimentos will get you!" This man was allergic to pimentos. Ate the pimento cheese sandwich anyway. When my dad asked why in the world he ate the sandwich anyway, the friend responded with: "I wanted the full Master's experience!" I think of this story every time I see a Master's menu.

not to sound like a potted plant but sunlight and fresh air really makes a difference

Should be Dora the Explorer so he can have a map to the fucking basket

Gruff Sparty is one of the best sports logos ever, it just never gets old

I’ve been called a cunt, I’ve been called a bitch, but I’ve never been called a Yankees fan