paperwash©

18: can I buy a bottle of wine? USA: no that's illegal & irresponsible 18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education? USA: we encourage it

his mouth is full of food, have the waiter ask if everything came out ok

@VexingVixxen Preferably stunning off a cliff but I can't be too picky

@PaperWash Reasonable

when I die I want to be cremated, then find my mortal enemy, blow my ashes in their face, when they're blinded kick them in the stomach then give them a stone cold stunner

@Jay_FrickinLynn I'm just here for the cookies

thinking about tweets

Snakebites are the perfect drink if you want that authentic flavor of an apple covered in dirt

alien: we want your resources human: you can just mine asteroids n stuff alien: your water human: you figured out light speed travel but you can't make h2o? alien: me: alien: we enjoy murder

me: I'm gunna get my son the Harry Potter books and start reading them with him mom friend: omg I totally did that me: [squinting] why the hell are you reading with my son

"fRUiT dOeSnT beLonG oN piZzA" you mean like tomato SAUCE, green peppers or jalapenos??

@GLB_88 On the Internet

Guess where I am 🤣

@Jay_FrickinLynn Fine but only if I get to play the drums too

@Jay_FrickinLynn Start a traveling family band and make millions, those are your kids now

@BookQueen00 @CaffeinatedLiha THANK YOU ❤️🫠

@CaffeinatedLiha Cycle Of A Rose! I loved it!

What was the last book you finished? And would you recommend it?

@Reverend_Scott @backflipsimmons @DirtMcTurd That's how you died

@PaperWash @backflipsimmons @DirtMcTurd And how did I fit my hand up inside my helmet?

@backflipsimmons @Reverend_Scott @DirtMcTurd Holy shit how did I not see this lol

@PaperWash x.com/backflipsimmon… Rip to everyone @Reverend_Scott @DirtMcTurd

@backflipsimmons No we're all dead :(

@PaperWash Do you still tweet with Reverend Scott and Dirt Mcturd?

my 15 y/o just called dominoes pizza "bread slop" and honestly he's right

Wikipedia is the only website whose marketing strategy is threatening to kill itself if you don’t pay

Dave Portnoy: [takes a bite of his newly born baby] little undone for my liking, I'll give it a 7.1

[book club] Jesus: sup guys, so this week I was reading- group: [groans in unison]