Philip

When I'm at a movie theater on a weekday: Who the hell are these people going to the movies on a weekday

I don't recall any previous transformative technologies having to be sold so desperately. No one in 1999 was going, "Guys. Cell phone? It's coming, whether we like it or not. I think it's important, FOR WOMEN ESPECIALLY, to learn about cell phone. So that we're not left behind!!"

I don't know that words will ever be able to adequately express how insane it feels to sit at a desk and respond to trivial emails while the President of the United States threatens to destroy an entire civilization.

i refuse to work until every last kitkat is returned

I’m confident that if Reacher beat up a guy, he deserved it. Case closed.

A collection of the dumbest dudes you knew from high school felt emasculated when a black man got elected president, so, to compensate, we now have a semi-sentient pig’s stomach in a red hat starting an illegal war to distract the country from all the sex crimes he committed.

@Tjonesonthenba Did the nba doctors show up after to verify Luka’s poor team chemistry?

@KyrieIrving Hey Kyrie, i tore my ACL the day before you did. Gotta tell the doc which tendon to use this week, did you go patellar tendon or hammy? Prayers and love ❤️🫡

GOD is truly the greatest! Thank you for all of the prayers and messages Tribe. Hélà 🤞🏾🪶♾❤️

We're just innocent men

We're just normal men

if someone spoke like this while interviewing for a job at Applebee’s the police would be called

Truly a testament to how ruinous, vacuous, and utterly nihilistic US politics are, that the prospect of Kamala Harris becoming president, a person I don't like or admire or agree with, still stokes some tiny glimmer of hope in me. There's Saw movies with more hope in their hearts

not to be controversial but personally i think we should have more options than a gently alive corpse and the dumbest Hitler of all time

Seconds after the card game rules are explained

Just like we drew it up.

We’re just normal men

Adding to the 30 Rock joke train: “That’s not that much cheese” just tickles me.

We’re just innocent men