Uncle Jeff 🌈

Instant pancake mix box: just add water Me: sounds easy Oh no, too thick [adds more water] Oh no, too runny [adds more mix] . . . *Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

@Syrup_Tishus Funny Twitter is alive and well over on bluesky

For those of you who are missing "Funny Twitter", have you tried being funny or....?

@kryzazzy King move really

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

@GianmarcoSoresi Blue check bad

Temperature check. I want to be able to upload full pod episodes here but would have to become verified to do so. Every owner of every app is evil but god I hate Elon Musk like it's a religion. Thoughts?

@JasonKPargin Diomedes typical bottom behavior

It's fine to admit that the culture is too crass and depraved in the modern era, like today's audiences probably would look at this 16th Century statue depicting the heroic battle between Hercules and Diomedes and act like there was something sexual about it

We just need to invent a straw that lasts a little bit longer than 4 seconds but still less than a million years

At an orgy Me, trying to throw my voice: yeah, that's a great idea someone should order a pizza

Your a idiot.

@JeffMyspace Gotta be someone on True Blood

When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is

*the barista stops me as i walk through the door* sir, there's a two scarf minimum at this coffee shop

"Only fans dead squirrel" "Bin Laden shooter concubine" "Iowa" You bolt awake in the mountains of Carthage. You are not online. It is 217 BC. You are the general Hannibal, and you have changed your mind. The future cannot come to pass. Rome must burn.

beat*

i'm always watching...if you come near the big stew i'll eat your ass

Fun first date idea: put on noise cancelling headphones, plug into each other's music, and desperately search for escape routes

@Tanya_Sabrinaaa Hell yeah, two-fer

should i try to connect

@Tanya_Sabrinaaa Time to learn whether it's Marshall law or martial law

don't forget to leave some hellfire missiles out for the next president tonight

@Royotathon Attaboy roy

@MissyXMartinez Prince with the print

It’s gray sweatpants season

@adamgreattweet Aww Harper 💙

Happy Halloween from Shrek and Donkey!

GIVE👏🏼STATUES👏🏼BUTTHOLES