A spider

When I was a small spider, I used to hold my front pair of legs by my head like antennae, so I looked like an ant. The ants accepted me into their spaces, and I felt safer in their nest, away from the birds who might eat me. And every so often, I got to eat an ant.

@GreatAbysmal It's only just dawned on me that the dynamic of Yes Minister/PM is unusual, in having a funny man, a straight man, and a go-between who sort of floats between the two.

Jim Hacker: Humphrey, I'm told there's a situation at Diego Garcia. Sir Humphrey Appleby: Only geographically, Prime Minister. Jim Hacker: Geographically? Sir Humphrey Appleby: Yes. It's still in the Indian Ocean. Jim Hacker: Humphrey, Iran fired missiles at it! Sir Humphrey Appleby: Towards it, Prime Minister. Jim Hacker: Towards it? Sir Humphrey Appleby: One missile ceased to function and the other was intercepted. So the island remains entirely where it was. Jim Hacker: I'm not worried about the island moving! I mean the implications. Sir Humphrey Appleby: Ah. Strategically speaking, the implications are extremely stable. Jim Hacker: Stable?! Sir Humphrey Appleby: Yes. Since nothing actually hit us, we can express grave concern without the administrative complications of retaliation. Jim Hacker: But the base is on British territory! Sir Humphrey Appleby: Indeed, Prime Minister. Which means we are in the enviable position of being attacked in principle while remaining uninvolved in practice. Bernard Woolley: It's what the Foreign Office calls a very tidy situation, Prime Minister. Jim Hacker: Tidy? Sir Humphrey Appleby: Yes. Untidy situations are the ones where the missiles land.

@SazuBurns @nothanksnopeyno @BradfemlyWalsh Was gonna say, that blew up fast.

@nothanksnopeyno @SelfSpidey @BradfemlyWalsh It's the riot of colour, not the light. I don't need triptans, just a steady supply of estrogen and to avoid my triggers - escalators and anything that makes me feel off balance. I advocate for myself just fine, thank you. You are very aggressive. Is there medication for that?

But... The walls are literally grey?

@TheUnitedReason @sciencegirl Imagine the boredom. And what if you got a really whiny swift behind you.

@sciencegirl Imagine being the only bird that can fly for 10 months straight and getting called “Common” I would be so fucking raging I’d fly the same distance in 5 months in silence

Discover how long different birds can fly

@rocknrollofall That's it. To be a real artist, you gotta live a real life.

Aretha Franklin was once asked what was her biggest challenges and she answered.

@JunusAnna "Dragon" bloody autocorrect

This man says he's a dragon. A genderless dragon. Is it true because he says so?

@StephenKing *Proceeds to write a lot of book about things that are worse than crying babies on planes*

Are you for real?

@RobsToelush @jo_bartosch @SDewherst It's not always a bad sign. A lot of nice, shy guys get out-competed by the loudmouths early on, and have to wait until the dust has settled a bit before their qualities get noticed.

@jo_bartosch @SDewherst Wasn’t he a virgin until his late twenties? Hes bang on the money about what women want.

Omg, delightful & surprising anti porn message from Jimmy Carr.

@CalCarrie Your curiosity isn't even slightly piqued? You think all these people are just delusional? All those eminent scientists? What do you think their motivation is, then?

@SelfSpidey They are on to nothing, I dislike spiders so you can go kill a fly or something.

A fucking Aussie thinking they know it all now, this Letby thing must be a good grift because it's worldwide.

@sfrantzman 2001 A Space Odyssey, much of it. Too obvs?

Best films about a person in space, in which the film is basically just one person in a space situation?

@AliceHarperGC I mean this is the very stuff of story. A challenge. An obstacle. This is the fucking trigger. 'I need money.'

I've seen this posted around a lot recently, and it's kind of funny, but dude, if you can't find a way round this then you're just a shitty writer and your story would have been terrible anyway

@waywoodceo I used to fence, so would sprinkle my conversation with other fencing terms, anyway now no-one will talk to me.

for years now ive been itching to use "touche" in a conversation but i am yet to encounter a person who can make a better point than me

@BIMBOSATTVA_ Let us know if one of them provides instructions on how to journey to the centre of the Earth.

I am currently fine turning an OCR algorithm to read Icelandic Skaldic Manuscripts so that I can translate 900 untranslated, untransiliterated, and untranscribed ancient Icelandic poems that have never been translated or read, even by Icelandic people themselves Wish me luck

@GreatAbysmal This is OUTSTANDING.

Jim Hacker: Humphrey, we have to do something about Iran. Sir Humphrey Appleby: Prime Minister, the government is already doing a great deal. Jim Hacker: Such as? Sir Humphrey Appleby: Monitoring developments, coordinating with allies, reviewing contingency plans and expressing concern. Jim Hacker: That all sounds like nothing, Humphrey. Sir Humphrey Appleby: On the contrary, Prime Minister. In diplomacy it is vital to appear active without becoming involved. Jim Hacker: The Americans are bombing things, the Iranians are firing missiles, the Strait of Hormuz is practically closed and we’re… appearing active? Sir Humphrey Appleby: Precisely. Jim Hacker: Innocent people are dying, Humphrey! Sir Humphrey Appleby: Yes, Prime Minister. That is why the Foreign Office is drafting a very strongly worded statement about it. Jim Hacker: A statement won’t stop a war. Sir Humphrey Appleby: No, Prime Minister, but it will ensure that we are on record as having been extremely concerned while it was happening. Bernard Woolley: If I may, Prime Minister — the Cabinet Office has identified six possible courses of action. Jim Hacker: Good! What are they? Bernard Woolley: We can condemn the escalation, call for restraint, urge negotiations, support our allies, assist defensive operations or participate directly. Jim Hacker: And what do they recommend? Sir Humphrey Appleby: Supporting our allies. Jim Hacker: That sounds suspiciously like participating. Sir Humphrey Appleby: Oh no, Prime Minister. Participating means fighting. Supporting merely means allowing others to fight from places that technically belong to us. Jim Hacker: Humphrey, if Iranian missiles hit one of our bases, we’ll be in the war anyway! Sir Humphrey Appleby: Yes, Prime Minister, but we shall have entered it with the invaluable diplomatic advantage of being surprised. Bernard Woolley: It’s generally considered the safest way to enter a war, Prime Minister. Jim Hacker: How on earth can that be safe? Sir Humphrey Appleby: Because if the war goes badly, we can say we never meant to join it. And if it goes well, we can say we were there all along.

@amandaknox @dianaberrent "What's the worst you can do to me?" I saw that one coming a mile off and it was still funny...

@dianaberrent instagram.com/reel/DPkhM7ODZ…

Me: [home from prison] What'd I miss? Friends: Bin Laden's dead, we all have iPhones, the global recession, Single Ladies, oh, and the President is Black. Me: That's a lot. Can we just do something fun? Friends: Sure, escape room or murder mystery party?

@hairyairey @ClarkeMicah Yup - no easy answers when it comes to the Middle East. We've been trying for 4,000+ years. Must be something in the water there.

@SelfSpidey @ClarkeMicah The fact is that Iranian refugees had been coming to the UK long before this (I know several). I hope a regime change helps however history is not on my side! Seems everything we do in the region makes things worse, especially for oil supplies.

'Even now, there are people amid the ruins of their former homes, in their demolished cities, all over Iran, preparing for the long trudge westwards that ends with them struggling aboard a rubber dinghy on the French coast, headed for Kent or Sussex.You may meet them, sooner than you think, in an English suburb. If you do, it will be a poorer, bleaker place than it is now.' mol.im/a/15667435

@Templarpilled Except the inventor of calculus died a virgin.

Frank Herbert speaks of this

@RealDonKeith That's superb. Never seen that (being in the UK).

I miss the days when commercials were this good.