Not Mark Wahlberg

@CursedGuitars Tell me that Lil B is the owner of this guitar

oh hey a guitar from 2013

@pattonoswalt I love Fetterman so much

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

@MikeG4Philly @PHLDems With all of your retweets you’re running as democrat? You’re a covert Republican and people are gonna see right through you

🚨 ENDORSEMENT ALERT! 🚨 This campaign is of working people, by working people, and for working people! That’s why I am thrilled to accept the ✅ Endorsement of the @PHLDems, the Party of working class Philadelphians, and I am honored to have them join our movement!

@PHLDems are you really gonna endorse a Trump sympathizer? Y’all hit a new low.

I really don't feel good after eating 2,222 tacos today

I’m studying to be a therapist and someone asked me what I will do in sessions and I meant to jokingly be like “I’ll patients realize they’re mad at their mother” but I accidentally said “I’ll help patients realize they’re mad at MY mother.”

How come if a 70 year old runs a marathon and says, "age is just a number" everyone is impressed, but if I try to collect Social Security and say the same thing, I get arrested?

The CDC now recommends you drink a whiskey drink, a vodka drink, a lager drink, a cider drink, sing the songs that remind you of the good times, sing the songs that remind you of the better times. #cdcsays #90s #CDCRecommends

Back in the day, I had two bookings for Red Eye. During the first appearance, I did an Ann Coulter joke and because of that, they cancelled the second appearance. But good luck to this little pussy!

@TheCassandraDee We always got AOC

I literally cannot tell the difference between toddlers and racoons

Today in a nutshell

FUCK FUCK FUCK

@_mitamu I’m waiting for the punchline lol

@_mitamu I love the mummy ‘99 so much

@Handstandstore Tide stick can go fuck off.

Comic sitting next to me in the back at this show spilled on his shirt and I used my seltzer to help him get the stain out. Killing it in Portland

When people from improv try standup.

Swipe Right. #dating #AmIDoingThisRight #nsfw

@PlayWith_Machiz Thought you were making an obscure Beatles joke for a second and I was all for it. I’m also all for this too.

Gonna take acid and stare at Paul George's hair for 3 hours #LACvsDAL

Is it really camping if you can plug your CPAP machine in? #SleepApnea #CPAP