SquattersTights

@ze_mini @MattWallace888 My seven month old puppy. Better impulse control, listens to direction, and can do cost-benefit analysis.

@MattWallace888 Most of you hate him, but do you have an better alternative?

Pay close attention to what the Secret Service agent behind President Trump is holding!

@Arxndel @joey_underwood_ @FBI @DHSgov @POTUS The funny part is, DHS and FBI are now run by compromised crooks who don’t believe in the missions of those institutions, so good luck with your “reporting,” Jimmy.

@joey_underwood_ @FBI @DHSgov @POTUS yo take a look at this guys

fingers crossed 🤞

@Stephen_Agnew @joey_underwood_ @FBI @SecretService @POTUS Joke’s on you. The director of the FBI is dismantling the FBI.

@joey_underwood_ @FBI @SecretService , you may want to investigate this person for possible planning the assassination of @POTUS

@SkippyIsNuts @notcapnamerica He’s Black. So they will.

@notcapnamerica The U.S. does NOT prosecute politicians erasing incriminating evidence.

Eric Adams is accused of: 1. Accepting illegal travel benefits (2015-2021): - Multiple instances of free or heavily discounted business class flights on Turkish Airlines - Free or discounted luxury hotel stays in Turkey and other countries - Free meals, transportation, and entertainment in Turkey

@dbiibd @wkamaubell @JDVance He knows Vance won’t listen so it’s fine. Vance’s advance team must be #TeamWalz.

@wkamaubell @JDVance Why are you trying to help?

I know I’m a weird messenger to be giving advice, but I truly mean this to be helpful, @JDVance. Fire your whole team. They clearly hate you. This is TV production 101, and they failed it. 1) Someone is supposed to scout ahead and make sure everyone there is interested in being on camera AND excited to talk to you. And if your team finds out that no one at the place is interested in talking to you and some don’t even want to be on camera with you - situations that I’m sure you are used to by now - then your team needs to find another establishment. 2) Someone is supposed to prep you with names and talking points. This is especially true because, as you know, you are horrible at small talk. Your team must even know this by now. Your team has to give you follow up questions so you are ready to go. “What is your bestselling donut?” “What’s your favorite?” “What do you recommend?” “What’s your favorite part of your job?” “Do you eat too many donuts because you work here.” This is simple stuff. But again, I get that it is extremely hard for you to speak to humans. That’s why you need a better team. 3) in lieu of small talk, which I would recommend you skipping because you are - again - HORRIBLE at it, your team should have given you a pre decided order so you were ready for the “difficult task” of ordering donuts. Here are a few suggestions for next time. “I’ll take a dozen glazed.” “Just give me a dozen of your bestsellers.” “JUST FILL THE BOX WITH SPRINKLES THAT YOU SCRAP OFF OF SPRINKLE DONUTS, AAAAAARGH!!!” That last one was a trick. If you believed it then you need more help than I even imagined. The good news is I’ll happily take you on as a client to teach you how to appear more human, all for the price of one jabilliondee dollar bucks. Currently, there is a 1% discount. But I need your answer by… more

@loonyenigma @OldHeadHST @Felonious_munk Or, consider this. They’re not things or possessions and you can neither collect nor discard them because YOU DO NOT OWN PEOPLE.

@loonyenigma @OldHeadHST @Felonious_munk People aren’t for collecting either. But that’s the language you chose. And you wonder why you weren’t centered in the conversation.

@JoyAnnReid you are ssssssslayyyyyyyyyying with this natural cut. Amazing.

@AKBrews I do not know a single Black Chicagoan who has ever said, “grachki.” Not one.

YOU'RE NOT FROM CHICAGO!

@justinamash You read the Mueller Report. Did you read the relevant case documents?

Set aside the politics. Today’s verdict is an affront to the Rule of Law and a perversion of justice. Bragg weaponized the legal system to indict Trump on charges that never would have been brought against anyone else. This selective and abusive prosecution will further undermine confidence in our Constitution and divide America. It must not stand.

@ReignOfApril Dansko Tiffani. I walk miles in them, hella comfortable from the jump, and they can be dressed up or worn with shorts/jeans. Good for tons of walking in one day, right out of the box. And not aesthetically similar to anything you have outlawed.

@PegasusaCNC @SomaKazima Nope, Ruby Tuesdays was in there.

The way I understood most of these 😭😭😭😭

@myrnakjensen @2A_AllDay In what world would they fake it and then somehow miraculously all test positive for a drug known for memory-wiping? Reading is fundamental.

Lake Oswego man made smoothies for his daughter’s sleepover. Turns out he laced them with benzodiazepines. Thankfully one of the girls texted her parents to come pick her up at around 2am. As the man would come into the room doing test to ensure they were asleep. However one of the girls wasn’t asleep and could feel the man’s presence. She alerted her parents. Who showed up with the other 2 girls parents as well. The man tried to persuade the parents to come back later in the morning as they were asleep! The parents didn’t leave without their kids, Later taking the girls to the hospital where they all tested + for the benzodiazepines. This story is sickening, glad the parents picked up the girls before anything bad happened to them.

@InfusionAAS “Your Honor, she was creating math equations to demonstrate interest accrual. You must toss the whole case!” FOH

@NewYorkStateAG I wonder if this behavior will be taken into consideration during the appeal?

+$114,553.04 = $464,805,336.70

@Wordslingeuse @JacobABlackwell Or the Wailin’ Jennys!

@JacobABlackwell Instead of Waylon Jennings, Lil Nas X does the re-done theme song.

TV show idea: Dukes of Hazzard, but woke. Every episode is smuggling immigrants across the border, getting pregnant or trans people across state lines to seek healthcare. But they have to jump a creek or two to do it. Pride Flag on the roof of a ‘97 Subaru Outback.

@karenbates @wamu885 @DCist It’s so upsetting to read that message, and I’m not even on the payroll.

Crossing my fingers for our friends and colleagues @WAMU885 and @DCist. It’s tough when you have to read media columns and social to find out what’s going on in your workplace. Hope things won’t be as grim as management’s email sounds.

@nayahnationn @hittcchh She might be his same age. He might be older than her. Folks don’t age the same.

@hittcchh nothing about this ok, especially when they look elderly.

No he really slept her. Like she actually went to sleep and all. This is so crazy. Hit her so hard her husband wasn’t even sure if he could defend her 😭

@colleen_eileen This sounds like a job for your local LLM artificial intelligence app. Ask it for 270 commentaries on rivers, lakes, water foul, and the like. And bust out two a day. Check them off a list if you must.

@MarshaFatFace @mastrap84 I would very much appreciate suggestions 😂

My office overlooks a river, and today, my boss announced that a Q2 goal is for everyone to comment on the river at least twice a week. Specific examples of "wow, lotta ducks" and "what kind of boat do you suppose that is?" were cited, and I am once again yearning for the mines.

@JThorpe3 You’re a hero and a scholar, and the Internet is in your debt.

My biggest, certifiable contribution? Without me convincing my bro, y’all never would’ve gotten this twitter.com/its_micAh/stat…

@caitlynnsydney @Ntombi @ghoulandboys Erm, “petty” eye opening.

@Ntombi @ghoulandboys Yeah, that moment was pretty eye opening 😂

My dad died when I was in middle school & I didn’t do my homework that weekend & I went to school on Monday. My teacher asked me why I didn’t do my homework in front of everyone. I told her. She called my mom for the awful lie I told only for my mom to put her in her place lol