Terry Cotta

@fesshole My wife and I met another couple and agreed to swap partners for the night. After a few hours of amazing sex I stopped for a moment and thought, 'I wonder how the girls are getting on?'.

25 years later... @Coventry_City 🔙

@fesshole My wife went to the Dr and he smiled and said, "It looks like you're pregnant". She said, "Oh my goodness, I'm pregnant? Really?". He laughed and said, "No, it just looks like you are".

At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said 'amazing news'. She told me baby was three months old and I'd just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.

🚨 A tricky start to the week, well done if you guessed Joseph Yobo! An Everton fan favourite. Annoyingly I can't find a clip of him tying his shoelaces as Charlton countered and scored against Everton, if anyone's got it please, please share it 😂

Wikipedia footballer 4️⃣9️⃣1️⃣

@JoshPughComic Saw you mowing the lawn earlier. You were slumped over the mower and crying in what looked like frustration. I thought, 'Perhaps he's just going through a rough patch'.

After a lot of speculation I’m pleased to say that I’ve renewed my garden waste permit with North Warwickshire County Council for another 12 months. Nice to put the rumours to bed and just focus on my mowing now. Thanks for you of your messages 🪴

@fesshole My brother got married into a tribe of cannibals. The wedding was going really well until they decided to toast the bride and groom.

Spent a year on extra projects at work cos massive crush on a colleague. Never told him & he was a v.private person. One day mentioned he'd be in a town bar that weekend. Got all dressed up, turned up to 'bump into' him. It was his wedding reception.

@fesshole Was in the bank with my wife when a robber walked in, pulled on a balaclava and pulled out a gun. He said to the bloke next to me "did you see my face?" The bloke said "yes", so the robber shot him. The he turned to me and said "did you see my face?" I said, "No, but my wife did"

@fesshole Went to the car boot sale earlier, and there was a bloke selling hundreds of nearly new books. I said, "Do you have any books by Shakespeare?" He said, "Of course I do, which one?". I said, "William".

When I was 7 I sold some books at a boot fair. A man bought them and instead of paying and going, told me how I was a "stupid kid" as they were worth far more. I cried, and he laughed as he walked away. That was 30 years ago, but I really hope the fucker's dead, and died unhappy.

My Mrs recently gave birth and sex is off the cards. I've taken to wanking into an old balaclava in my work van when I go out for a late night smoke. Turned round today to see the apprentice wearing the balaclava. Must have spunked in that thing 30 times

@fesshole I lost my wife somewhere in Sainsbury's, but saw a lovely looking lady so I went over to her and said, "Can we talk for 2 minutes?". She looked at me funny and said, "Why?". I said "Cause every time I start talking to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of fucking nowhere".

When I was 8 I got distracted in Sainsbury's looking at a shelf and my mum went on to the next isle and I couldn't find her. I went to the customer service desk and had the lady on the desk tannoy my mum to come and get me. To this day it still haunts me every time I go back in

@SoVeryBritish Brown sauce.

What’s the most wrong thing you’ve ever seen on a roast dinner?

@fesshole I was sexting someone last week and accidentally sent one of the messages to my wife. I tried to pretend that it was intended for her, but it took some explaining on how I couldn't wait to suck her knob.

I was seeing a girl who had the same name as a client. Accidentally sent the client a photo of my cock when pissed. To my surprise she sent a pic of her tits back. 7years on and I still get a filthy text or photo from her. I'm not attracted to her but I feel I have to carry it on

@fesshole I was explaining to my amazing and wonderful girlfriend how sometimes I feel really high, yet at other times I feel really low. She shook her head, tutted, and said, "Will you just get off that bloody swing".

My beautiful and amazing and wonderful girlfriend always leaves the butter looking like it's been hit by a chainsaw when she uses it and I honestly find myself thinking about leaving her because of it

@fesshole My workmate told me he was going to enter the X-Factor and I wanted to give him all the support I could, so I killed his mum.

I make 100k doing very little in a job I hate. Recently offered 65k to do a job I'd love. Didn't have the balls to go take the pay cut and go for it.

@fesshole I phoned my brother and said, "Me and my wife have split up". He said, "Why?". I said, "Well, could you live with a person who drinks to excess, smokes weed all day, and shits the bed at night?". He said, "No, I couldn't". I said, "Well neither could she".

Back when the marijuana of choice was a brown bar of rocky I went camping in Wales with my brother. Threw his weed on the fire and swapped it with a crusty sheep poo of similar shape. He smoked three joints before complaining about the taste

@fesshole I went to a sex club with my wife. After a dozen or so men had done the deed she beckoned me over, winked and said, "Why don't you finish me off?". So I smothered her with a pillow.

Managed to talk my girlfriend into becoming swingers because I wanted to fuck other girls. Went to one & she got mullered by about 10 different cocks whilst no woman even looked at me. She's desperate to go back. Worst thing I've ever done.

@fesshole Masturbation is so much easier for teenagers nowadays. I remember having to wait for the Littlewoods catalogue, smuggle it into the bathroom, then find the lingerie section. Nowadays the internet makes it so much easier. I just open up google and search for littlewoods.

As young teenage lad, the sunbed section of the then Index catalogue was my absolute wanking staple. This was all because in the photo the woman gave away the slightest hint of arse crack in the picture.

@fesshole When I was a kid, I tickled my little sister's foot for ages and my mum went crazy. She said, "For goodness sake you little shit, can't you at least wait until she's born?"

My 5 year old sons mate who is a little shit and is clearly going to be a talented footballer broke his foot and I'm absolutely thrilled.

@fesshole After I'd finished reading my detective novel, I went into the garden and to my horror I saw my wife slumped on the grass. Turns out that the fucking dog had dug her up again.

I'm 10 yrs older than my wife, but she also looks really young for her age. So my wife is getting hit on by 20-somethings in nightclubs while I sit at home reading a detective novel. This doesn't seem like it will end well.