Uncle Function

our new SIZZLE reel!!!

When I was 20, I went as Indiana Jones to a haunted trail and a guy called me "Indiana Jews" and then immediately fell and sprained his ankle and was screaming in pain and the scare actors didn't know what to do so a bunch of skeletons dragged him away. I think about this a lot.

no one venmo requests you faster than someone who is fully supported by their parents

The news is always like: "America has banned wheelchair ramps because they weren't in the Bible. Finland has made ice cream free."

In a 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court has decided that if two people order nachos to share, one person actually CAN eat all the fully loaded ones. All the ones with the meat and cheese and everything, the ones that are fully loaded, it’s OK for your date to hog them.

for father’s day they’re letting all the dads show up to the airport as early as they want. this guy next to me isn’t flying until thursday

New episode of The Downside with @kylekinane out now. Listen on Spotify: open.spotify.com/episode/13eyYQ… Watch on YouTube: youtu.be/cqs6fiyexAc

My dad never yelled “MAKE ME A TREATY OF VERSAILLES”

“The Jews run Hollywood” then how about a fucking thank you???????

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed Me:

Thoughts on abortion aside, how can one not help but feel that this entire thing is an affront to representative democracy and a subversion of the will of the People? 3/3

This is why I tell so many divorce jokes

I was getting my license renewed at the dmv and before the woman took my picture she was like “wait aren’t you a movie star?” and I smiled real wide and was like “mayyyyyybe” I’ve never starred in a movie in my entire life which can only mean that woman is from the future

Check your privilege or we’ll check it for you

Happy birthday, Bernie Mac. We miss you now and always 👑

I swear to god if you don’t tell a comedy club what picture to use, they’ll frame a dozen photos of your mom’s ultrasound with a Comedy Central logo in the corner