Becca | UpwardChanging

Twenty years ago this week, I moved here because I believed I was building a life with the man I loved. Instead, I spent 12 years in an abusive marriage. While we had four amazing children, for their sake I decided to leave and we divorced. And because we have children together, I didn’t get to leave and start over somewhere else close to my own family. I stayed. Twenty years later, I’m still here. Young people, hear me when I say this: The person you choose to marry will have more influence over your life than almost any other decision you make. Choose wrong, and it can cost you decades. It can cost you your peace. It can cost you your mental health which in turn affects your physical health. It can determine where you live, who you see, what opportunities you give up, and how much of your life is spent trying to recover. Children make those ties even stronger. Co-parenting means that even after the marriage ends, the relationship doesn’t simply disappear. You may still have years of shared responsibilities, court orders, schedules, and unavoidable contact. Stop treating marriage like it’s based on feelings. Vet people. Watch how they handle conflict. Watch how they communicate with you and with others. Watch how they treat you and others. Watch for dishonesty, manipulation, cruelty, and betrayal. Believe patterns and never promises. I can’t get those twenty years back. If my story keeps even one person from ignoring serious red flags before marriage and children, then at least something good came from my experience.

“No lies detected “