Bummer T. Vibes, Esq

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

Just then, a slobber of bulldogs crested the hill.

you pass by on your run. i'm in the front yard elongating my skull

one time the kawasaki dealership in our village had to dig a twenty-seven mile canal from the ocean all the way to our house just so they could repossess my dad’s jet ski.

don’t flirt with me unless you know how to lift the curse

Dating bio: Untreated ADHD. My life is the wreck you are envisioning right now. Prolly worse.

I hope my permanent record includes that time I rode a wheelie on a 10 speed for like a block

A high school reunion, but for all the cool random people you worked with for a few months at odd jobs in your 20’s and never saw again.

My favourite thing in the world right now is watching Bam Margera learning to skate again.

When you split a dessert the waiter should bring two forks and one of those chess clocks you smack to let the other person know it’s their turn.

I admire people who use their real names on here -- people like you, Hercules Assfinger.

If you say “first” there needs to be a “second.” But if you say “second” there doesn’t need to be a “third.” [curtsy]

I’m starting to suspect the valet at this Dairy Queen shan’t be returning with my vehicle

[behind a bowling alley] Is Mr. Guided around?

*whispering to my grandma on her deathbed* why are you following taco bell on facebook?

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

Sure, working all day every day sucks, but remember to keep your eye on the big prize at the end. Dementia and diapers in a nursing home.

I hope AI takes my job

A deodorant that’s 100% aluminum would fix me

Slipknot is just The Village People for people who never met their fathers

giving my tamagotchi a viking funeral