Herschel Pennymacker

Even as a child I knew that was a fucked up number of Dalmatians.

The first RNA strand bumped into the first protein ("How clumsy of me." "No, no, my fault."). Then there were dinosaurs. Then me.

If it’s wrong to tell my wife I had to throw the rest of the ice cream away because she left it on the counter until it melted (but I actually just took it out of the freezer and ate it while deciding it’s okay to let her think she’s losing her memory), I don’t want to be right.

I think every house has one light switch that still feels like a multiple-choice question.

bad news for robot mail carriers

Spotted in the wild

INTERVIEWER: i am NOT going to call you a good boy ARMAND: ah you bully armand, you torture him with your endless questions, cruel! unkind! to little armand the vampire, why do you malign him so 🥺 INTERVIEWER: im not doing it ARMAND: your childrens children will pay for this

Pitching my Sleep Number driver’s seat on Shark Tank next week. Wish me luck!

Me pulling into mechanic’s: it’s making these weird honking noises and a pale yellow liquid is flowing down my back window Mechanic: I found the problem … there’s a clown clinging to your roof

Sorry the mammogram machine is broken - McNurse

I’m not going to worry about it…it might never happen [later] Well crap

How many bites into a cream donut without hitting pay dirt before you can call a personal injury lawyer?

Clown funeral “Pop Goes The Weasel" begins to play Me: Oh dear

The three stooges of grief

Take it easy on the treadmill today. You want to be able to describe it as “gentle used” when you sell it next month.

Him: we are so lucky to be blessed with two beautiful, smart well adjusted kids. Son *mumbling* you have three kids Him: Son: *spitting out mouthful of dirt* YOU HAVE THREE KIDS!

the boy turns 8 months old this week. his new skill includes almost being able to squat in a full crouch. this will soon put him ahead of the curve in being able to smoke cigarettes next to construction sites in serbia

I'm an over-explainer (I explain things too much)

I’m a simple girl easily frightened by French accordion music.

I like to tread the fine line between lazy and inanimate.

too mature to be bothered by my own typos, too immature to stop judging you for yours