Baby Billy’s Bible Bonkers

I believe in SCIENCE. Unless it in anyway casts doubt on my absolute certainty that there is a Dog Heaven. Then fuck science. Dog Heaven 4eva

Putting casino butter on all my stones

@upuntil_dawn As far as I know it’s like a zip sauce

Guys I just got TEN tweets in a row about the rock sauce girl wtf is going on

@octopuscaveman I feel like those would sell like crazy at suburban Bed Bath and Beyonds

@WeedReviewer Would cow print or leopard print sent the wrong message

My biggest question about this is why is the dude wearing a bulletproof vest

@octopuscaveman Or like a wacky Hawaiian print

@WeedReviewer Why not camouflage!

@eleanoir And she always talks about how hot he is. Like are we sure? She seems to be the hot one in this relationship.

Jesus fucking Christ

@PamNotAnderson It’s why I carry bear spray

the Lindy West thing is ultimately a cautionary tale about living in the Pacific Northwest. it’s scary! you could encounter Bigfoot, or end up in a poly throuple that no one respects

@Brocklesnitch This is like my old roommate drunkenly shitting in a neighbor’s yard and carefully ducking around the corner directly in front of the security camera

Lindy West’s husband sending an aggressive and loser email to a woman who wrote the fairest profile I’ve seen about him and was obviously going to read it out loud on a podcast…now that’s great instincts

@LingoUnbound I love reading things that make me think “oh, I really am better off single”

every word makes me want to light myself on fire

@feederofcats @pstokesbooks Maybe Bitward can go to military school or join the circus?

@pstokesbooks I wish. unfortunately at max capacity for my little apartment or else I'd 1000% never let go of this one

Dweeb is out of surgery! 😅 They were able to get plates on both sides of his jaw! It was a very long and intricate surgery, his blood pressure got a little dicey during it so they're keeping him overnight to monitor. I get to pick him up in the morning 🥹

@octopuscaveman Honestly, this may work out for you. Who knows what happens in those back aisles of beige towels?

Headed to Bed Bath and Beyond for a pair of cowboy boots and a handjob if y’all need anything

Walking into a Chevy dealership and ordering a steak and when they say they don’t have steak i say “fine. Make it 2 steaks then” because I’m so based. I just keep increasing the number of steaks until they escort me off of the premises.

A fun thing about getting older is everyone looking either 45 or 12 to me

@dylanmatt I bet that guy loves volleyball

@Brocklesnitch He should wear a dunce cap for the rest of his life.

Fuck you Keith Urban !!!!!

@octopuscaveman We deserved Fat Leo. We earned it.

For a while he was plumping up. He was supposed to be our Brando. He was supposed to get huge. Now he’s just a huge disappointment.

I just took a dump that somehow won Best Set Design AND Best Sound Editing

For tonight’s Oscars, I’m serving Jesse Plemonsade. Because when life gives you Jesse Plemons, you make Jesse Plemonsade

@octopuscaveman This is a special shit you take after being constipated on a roadtrip.

I’m saying this instead of shit from now on

@VitruviusGrind Fuck yes. Sign me up.

There should also be a MacArthur Dumbass Grant where they give you $800 to do something interesting but fundamentally very stupid.

@404paigenotfnd Costco has some waterproof Hunter backpacks that looked sleek

admitting defeat with my giant tote bag, it’s time to get a backpack for work. seeking simple and stylish options that are not just basic black. please answer