William Purry

#BirdifyThatFood Morning Chorus Oats.

@CHIMPSINSOCKS Spring!

@GuardianBooks The Sunday Times Grrrich List.

The big idea: should other species have their own money? theguardian.com/books/2022/mar…

@ashleystorrie Try using a circular dish and call it pepper round.

@fesshole A HARDIS.

A few years ago I found a pristine 1970s porn mag in my loft. It's like having a wank in a time machine when I get it out

@SimoneBimone Kitrus fruit.

@fesshole Decorgi.

I recently emigrated and left all my stuff behind. The walls of my new place are bare and I don't have much money for art. When I see a cute, well photographed dog on Twitter I screenshot and put it in an A5 frame. My walls are filling up nicely with pics of all your pets.

@Jennie_Dale Looks like a mermaid - Daryl Hannah Waddingham.

@SteveJuggler The pirate stayed overnight in a yo ho hotel.

Difficult birth for the Pirate’s wife. Baby was delivered by Sea Section. #LunchPun #RateMyPun

@timidheathen @Se_Railway What a pane in the neck.

All the windows in the train carriage I’m in are locked???? The train cleaner just came by and confirmed that they couldn’t open any either. @Se_Railway I would like some ventilation please!

@SheBeCarleen @danielvankirk The menus are labelled "Bill of Bare.".

@caitlinmoran Strike up the gander.

WHY DOES BRITAIN NOT HAVE GOOSE PARADES?

@KingMobUK @MartinBelam Mrs Bartlett forbade Hungry Hungry Hippos for being too noisy.

I grew up in the 70s and teachers were encouraged to say parents/guardians then and my school used to close when there was bad weather or the boiler packed in and people pretending these things didn't happen for culture war purposes is just so damned tedious

@MaValentinetti @Imwithherb @mariana057 I was a bit suspicious at first. Mainly because Dr Willcock looked like this.

Without saying your age, what is something you remember from your childhood that a younger person would not understand?

@fesshole Especially after anything by Shostakovitch

I am an orchestral conductor, and I often use my very expensive baton as a backscratcher.

@MirandaKeeling Wheelie big ambitions.

The storm snaps plastic flags in a nursery garden. My bin tries to take a walk down the street. I feel sorry to have to curtail its ambition as I haul it back. A woman walks her dog - the dog blowing one way and her colourful scarf the other.

@clairabellejp @lauralexx Now they're with the other fish in the Eelysian Fields.

@lauralexx Looks like the place anchovies go to die 😳

Cheese is a basic component of pizza. If there is no cheese, you need to list THERE IS NO CHEESE as an ingredient. Cheese is same as base. Don’t miss out cheese and then sneakily go “ooh it was never on the list” In other news I’ve ordered a disgusting pointless lunch

@ZJAyres @DrLucyRogers A stuntwoman is thrown from her exploding bed, then backflips downstairs and fights off Honey Monster to reach the cereal cupboard.

@bylgja_babylons And you can't now get to deflate for some reason.

@bylgja_babylons It's your own inflatable mattress with a cover that you packed just in case.

I’m really wanting to steal this mattress I’m sleeping on. Any and all ideas on how to get it out of the hotel apperciated.