Zoë 💜♠️

Amelia Tyler please narrate my life

what the fuck

No because I’m not selfish. My organs are useless to me after I’m gone. Someone could remove one and make a nice casserole for all I care.

Shit is bleak till she falls on my barrow. Right Nerevar?

A wizard's costume should not have a zipper.

The culprits are reportedly still at large

Oh, good. It's not just me.

if i were a gym leader you'd have to get through my gang of similarly shaped, but progressively bigger, long-necked bitches 🦕

I think if Trump refuses to leave office at the end of his term, we should just leave him inside whatever room he barricades himself in and make it like a fun part of the White House tour

i love when you see your cat walking toward you at a leisurely pace and you say "hi baby!" because you’re excited to see them and they start trotting a little bit faster cause they're excited to see you too

given the existence of skeleton and luge, i postulate the existence of two other, yet to be discovered, winter olympic sports

discovered today that cause heavier people gain more momentum theres a weight limit in the Skeleton in the winter olympics. cannot explain how utterly enraged i am. let us see some big fuckin freaks absolute fire themselves down the track. let the big boys break some records

We can easily do the Olympics every year. Let’s just add in the spring and fall Olympics on the 1s and 3s. I want to win a bronze medal in corn maze. I want to take home the gold in allergies.

This used to be the American dream and now men are lucky if they even get a single one of these

dnd is the perfect hobby for me because ever since i was a little girl i knew i wanted to play pretend forever