abatha

I don’t care if I have micro plastics in my body. You know what else is in there? Love. Joy. Kindness. They will take care of the micro plastics

Elmo looking through his replies this week

me: actually the M stands for machine haha so it’s redundant to say MRI Machine. the R and the I stand for rhode island doctor: see this is why we need to scan your brain

there’s always that person at the party who won’t stop advocating for playing a game. you’ll look away for one second and suddenly they’re gathering up all the cutlery and saying you’re about to play a game called knives

“um as you should?” to my best friend describing a felony

massively giving S3 dance drama where you need to include 2 spins, a jump and a teddy bear roll

dont feel like it

it's my favourite day of the year

there should be a "take your friend to work day" so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

i cannot stop spending money. I am the primary breadloser of my household

Me on the way to get a lil fall morning treat (will spend $87)

His farts would send him to the moon I reckon

In the chippy earlier there was no sausages and I thought I wasn’t getting one and then the guy dumped about 10 sausages into the bit and I went yassssss loud as fuck and he went mate can you please keep your voice down lol

@chelsea_RVN I honestly LIVE for this kind of validation at work 😂😂

Had an owner tell me their very anxious dog had never been as happy at the vets as he was with me😭 After saying ‘Look (pets name)! It’s your best friend!’ after I called them in🥺

@AsToldByKristy Yeah but you're marrying him now so all's well that ends well right

roughly 15 minutes in

guy who opened the date by telling me how lucky i was because he was a 10 but i was a 7/8. then read numerous tweets from his “comedy account” at me until i pretended to laugh. ended with him asking for a selfie so he could make his ex (who was a 10) jealous

girl he’s YOUR man

I tried to run away from home once as a child but signed the letter "goobdye" and for years after that my family would be like "ok goobdye" every time I left the house for school