Svenn Amish

Where on LinkedIn do we list our medications?

Does the person have to be dead to have them cryogenically frozen?

I'm not sure if I hate you or vegetables more.

I dream of a universe where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned

As of yesterday, I’m fifty-five years old. That means I’m closer to sixty than fifty. I’ve almost gone fully distinguished.

I'll come to your party if there's no one else but me and it's also at my house.

Talking to this super old geezer at the gym and OH MY GOD HES THREE YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME

Why are ADHD tweets so long?

I just sighed so hard, I almost passed out.

I like to hide behind humor and this tree.

I went to a therapist and all I got was this lousy psychological equilibrium.

Don’t EVER give up. You will achieve great things in life. No, not YOU - the guy behind you that doesn’t look like a complete failure.

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

You know those little plastic bubbles inside a bag labeled “Do Not Eat”? Can we eat those?

Don’t forget about “take your children to work” day so they know why you come home sad.

My wife told me I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

My wife told me to take out the trash or maybe is was something about llamas.

Hey Siri, Fasten my pants.

Get melania to escort the ships through the Strait of Hormuz, she was an escort for years.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a loaded baked potato.