Barry Vinegar

Every one of you pot-banging, zoom-quizzing, office-dodging jism dribbles are responsible for this mess. Two years of limitless money printing as you loafed about at home, and now nobody understands why a pint of milk is four quid? Enjoy eating dust you chugnuts - we’re fucked.

@jayrad198900 @fesshole He could just fuck her sister

@fesshole Nah you did yourself a favour. Don’t want to be with someone who disrespects you in such a way. You’ll rebuild your life and find someone who makes you even happier

I jokingly told my wife I knew about her affair - I didn't know - she said "finally it's been weighing on my mind for months." In one fell swoop I've destroyed my marriage. Ignorance was bliss.

@JonnySillitoe @Kelly_Jackson88 @LMAsaysno Hands like a well-hung lesbian

@Kelly_Jackson88 @LMAsaysno You don’t stray when he’s packing fingers like that, sadly.

what celebrity couple would you love to see get divorced? for me it’s these two. can’t stand the smug bastards

@fesshole I did exactly the same thing except the newspaper was the guardian.

Accidentally reversed into a fancy car parked outside my house. Was putting my phone number on a note under the windscreen wiper when I spotted a Daily Mail on the passenger seat. Checked wife wasn't looking and put note back in my pocket. She still wonders why owner never called

@mumsnet_madness I like to wind the Mrs up by bursting into the bathroom when she’s having a bath, claiming I’m touching cloth and then sitting down for a wee. She finds it less funny than I do.

“My partner often leaves “marks” on the sheets, even towels after he’s had a bath”

Willy Wonka was deffo a nonce.

While I’m aware Farage or similar wouldn’t get same treatment from lefties media, I really don’t see what Huw has done wrong. If ‘being a dirty old perv’ or ‘secretly a bit of a bummer’ was illegal there’d be a lot of full prisons.

@davewestfal1 Morning Dave. You still a sex pest or nah?

@fesshole Sorry you’ve got a bucket klunge

My partner used viagra a few times to spice things up as a one off. It was amazing- but now having sex with him with out him taking a viagra is disappointing, not sure how to tell him without insulting him

@MarchersMedia Old man shakes fist at cloud gif.

@Underc0verChris @BurnsideNotTosh To be fair I do most of my bumming in a closet.

@BurnsideNotTosh And a closet homosexual. Don't leave that out.

Up pops Martin Lewis like an unwelcome dildo saying how people need payment holidays from the mortgages his company sold you. The result of which will be greater debt and no reduction in inflation. The man is the Gary Neville of finance. Fucking self interested turd.

Thank fuck we got enough runs in the first innings #EnglandCricket

Catches win matches ☹️

@DominicTrant @MarchersMedia England & Wales Cricket Board.

@MarchersMedia Thought you were welsh?

@M_Rotchburns Why have you drawn Rod Stewart and Charlie Mullins love-child?

@MarchersMedia Tough match but my money’s on the head-choppers to win it in extra time.

@anon_opin This person has never tried strong opiates.

The most addictive drug going is not alcohol or TV or even crack cocaine. It's convenience

@alistairwvlogs @fesshole Was alright in the end he found it in the back of his telly.

@fesshole I think The Streets made it back off the album though…

I found a grand in rolled notes on the floor of a music venue. Years later I discovered that the band who were playing that night had fired their manager shortly after, accusing him of pocketing gig money.

@davewestfal1 @hannschofield Are you still a sex-pest?

@BurnsideNotTosh Has anyone mentioned that “it’s not road tax akshurley” yet?

Just had to block serial clickbaiter Jeremy Vine. He is such a tease leading us on that he is eventually going to get knocked off his bike but all we get his him gesticulating at cars and buses like a mad old cat lady.

@BurnsideNotTosh Thanks for paying my gas bill gaffer. Top lad ❤️

Can't wait to see what free stuff I am going to be paying for after today's budget.