Greg Jordan

@stevespursN4 But it’ll be nice for you to hear what home fans are meant to sound like.

Palace away application in. Looking forward to the usual five hour round trip to a ground all of 12 miles away and a view of one half of the pitch!

“What do you think a fucking 5G chip is, fucknuts? You think it floats around in your body going on Instagram and telling the government you went to the store? No one fucking cares where you go, you absolute fucking fuck-barf.” (Please get vaccinated) mcsweeneys.net/articles/oh-my…

@HeathrowAirport My message is you’re having a cynical joke even saying that. Is it written by a moron or bot? My family queued for hours with only a mask to protect us from Covid. Look up Covid you fools.

Hello and good morning to everyone from all of us at Heathrow Airport. If you need help with your journey, send us a message.

Genius. bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0…

@chrishirst Not to write anything on Twitter

What’s the best advice you’ve been given? I’d love to hear your pearls of wisdom so drop me a comment below 👍 #NoBullshitLeadership #Havas #Leadership #LeadershipDevelopment #QuestionOfTheDay #FridayThoughts

Good luck @BorisJohnson. He’s got a very difficult weekend ahead of him, writing two columns. One for if we win, and one for if we lose...

@TheLastLeg That was mean, don’t do the schoolboy shit, it was on the shelve, don’t pick on people

@TheLastLeg that was just mean. It’s her shelve. Giggling like school boys

@drphilhammond Pretty bad Phil, pretty bad. Follow the facts, not the govt’s pinned down scientist monkeys

We’re clearly running out of tests. So how are we doing for PPE stocks everyone?

Lone Soho Stroller youtube.com/channel/UCwG_V… via @YouTube

@drphilhammond @BBCRadio4 Well played

I'll be on @BBCRadio4 Broadcasting House again at 9.30ish, talking about how to stay sane through all this. CLANGERS, 5 portions of fun, a sense of perspective, intelligent kindness, DIY acceptance and commitment therapy, eat, sleep, move etc Any suggestions gratefully received..

Not only is this trite shite...it also misses the bleedin’ obvious. The woman in the original logo is already LITERALLY IN SELF ISOLATION, you gormless, gormless banana brained bastards.

“ITS BEHIND YOU!” #govt #DontBeASpreader #CoronaLockdown

@BorisJohnson Get well Boris, but I’ve heard that you should self isolate for at least 5 years .

Over the last 24 hours I have developed mild symptoms and tested positive for coronavirus. I am now self-isolating, but I will continue to lead the government’s response via video-conference as we fight this virus. Together we will beat this. #StayHomeSaveLives

@creature_dan Bring them in Dan, no-one now will be bothered to collect them #bincorbyn

@jayrayner1 @BestForBritain Drink it quick as in 1 years time we’ll drinking chlorine impregnated chicken vodka cockydetails. #whyareweindividuallyclevercollectivelystupid

I’m drinking vodka. That is all.

Oh my God! We’re doomed. Luckily Bob sums it up “you can’t win with a losing hand” youtu.be/L9EKqQWPjyo

@creature_dan Yes it is. Talk about a nation smacking itself in the face and think they’re doing plastic surgery. Stop the world I wanna get off. #whatsthefuckingpoint #thenationgetsthegovermentitdeserves

@creature_dan We’re done. #thenationgetsthegovermentitdeserves