SnackWagon 5000

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I am so livid right now. I ordered some tile from @LLFlooring on August 31 to be shipped to the NE Philly store. The store never received them and have no idea where my boxes are. When I called the customer service line, they refused to help me. I'm calling BS.

Yeah. Why do I get the feeling I’m gonna have my organs harvested at that DQ?

True story. I don’t even know why I have Twitter anymore.

I recently discovered that scientific studies indicate that the reason I am happy is because I only come to twitter to share my shit, not to read anyone else's.

@cticmikeharris Yeah, but "Mad on Twitter" is something I can do now, in my pajamas, while buying shit I don't need on Amazon...

You can be mad on. Twitter, or you can go knock some doors. Which do you think will actually make a difference?

I might be a grandfather, but that doesn't change the fact that every time I check the mail, I am secretly hoping for a card with some money in it.

Lest there be any confusion, if I am on a conference call and I say "I need to jump off to get ready for my next meeting" what I mean is "I really have to go to the bathroom. Like, really bad!"

Which is longer? A five minute plank hold, or “ok, in five minutes we’re going to stop throwing sticks into the water and go home” with a 2 year old?

Watching the grandson (<2) this weekend. You know those Baby Einstein books? Do they make a Baby Stalin version? If not, let’s get on that shit!

@VerizonSupport And your bill explanation is no help. And your chat is no help. And when I tried to get an ASAP callback, I got an error. I've scheduled a call back for tomorrow. But all told, this is not a good customer service experience.

@VerizonSupport I am seeing billing for "Play More Unlimited" -- I don't remember signing up for it. I don't know that I even need it, as I don't think I have any 5G devices.

@AmazonHelp The "Customer Service" link on your website takes me to an error page. As does the more deeply embedded "Help" links. When it appears as though my order got lost, this is not helpful in the least.

@brucecronlund Hi! Sorry for the poor experience. Can you tell us more about the issue? We'd like to help any way we can. -Audriana

@cticmikeharris Ya tozhe

Boosted! 💉

My physical therapist asked me to weigh myself and tell her how much I weigh so she could do a strength screen. So, of course, I am no longer speaking to her...

Is it just me, or does anyone else get the feeling that people name their kids things like Derek (Derrick? Daric?) or Katelyn (Caitlin? Caytelynn?) just to screw with everyone else around them?

It always makes me mad when I see someone claiming to have imposter syndrome when they clearly do not...

Every now and then, it suddenly occurs to me that a bunch of us kids are running around, pretending to be grown ups, and NO ONE is calling us out on it...

My son's shampoo declares itself to be "0% pretentious". I may be projecting here, but it seems to me that declaring yourself to be 0% pretentious, even ironically, automatically infuses, at a minimum, 10% pretentiousness into the mix.

Learn from my experience... While people are very interested in knowing that you practice good hygiene, they are singularly disinclined to see photographic evidence.