charles roland

Here is a trend that I’m seeing and I don’t hear anyone else talking about it: 40+ year old wives and mothers of large (think 6+ kids) conservative Christian families (often homeschool families) suddenly engage in multiple affairs (often one night stands), divorcing their husbands, and ultimately abandoning their family for a “chance at a happy life.” I have had easily 30 different men reach out to me about this exact scenario. Obviously, I don’t know them all personally but the ones I do know (8-9) were good men. Were they perfect? No. Were they faithful, hard working decent husbands and fathers? Yes. So what’s behind this trend? It’s multi-factored. I can’t cover them all. Here’s a brief sketch of what I think is often going on: (1) I think these women are worn thin by the difficulty of the life they’ve chosen. It’s easy for the mother of a large family to feel as if their family has usurped any sense of personal identity. She feels like a nobody. The work of a mother is physically and emotionally taxing. It can exacerbate mental health issues (both real ones and ones that are more of a play-act). Also, you really start to feel some of life’s regrets in your mid-30s to mid-40s. People–especially unhappy people–often start to dream about what could have been… who they could have been. (2) They see the possibility of the happy life they dreamed or now dream about through social media. They want to feel free and alive again. They get involved in online communities and develop “friendships.” This curated digital world makes them feel good. They get praise, encouragement, etc. Maybe, they think, I can still live the life I “always” desired. Maybe I can get unstuck. (3) They start to share their dissatisfaction with their life within these communities. Some of it is legit but much is one-sided and slanted due their discontent. However, those in these online communities don’t push back on them and encourage them to do what it takes to be happy. Many of these people will actively encourage infidelity and divorce. (4) There are a ton of guys who are willing to take advantage of naive discontented housewives, especially if it's for low commitment sex. And, to be fair, so many of these women aren’t looking for a relationship. They are searching for a feeling. Many of them know that the one-night stand is exactly what it is. It, however, can only temporarily deliver the feeling of being “free” or “liberated.” Hence, it usually results in multiple hook-ups. (5) People need a rationale to explain and categorize their destructive behavior as morally acceptable. Our culture tells both men and women that personal fulfillment or happiness is the highest good. It also says to deny someone their highest good is a form of abuse. Consequently, these women assign their husband and Christian background to the category of “abusive.” This then justifies their actions. They just want to break free from a “life of oppression.” If the church or anyone is against that, they are victim-shaming and aiding an abuser. So, these women play that card and it mostly works. Again, there are more factors and there are different scenarios. But this is a real one that I see playing out over and over. We have a big family. We are in mid-life. We home-school. And we are very happy. But we have faced down these temptations in the context of a supportive loving level headed community of believers. I fear that the ridiculously reductive idealism of social media (including the reformed patriarchal big family homeschool world) will create families who are especially at risk for this sort of situation in a decade or two.