The Covert Comic

*ALL* dating is carbon dating. - Life's Little Covert Operations Manual Currently #2 on Amazon's free Political Humor List (at least until this post drops). Download FREE now! amazon.com/Lifes-Little-C…

This language model ain't large enough for the two of us

*brings an "Is that what you're wearing?" to a gunfight*

Yo-yo dieting is hard on your health but even worse on your yo-yo.

The morale will continue until beatings improve.

Though Michelangelo defined it as the essence of beauty, you probably want to be careful about calling a woman “the purgation of superfluities” on a first date.

@Roman_Fyseek ... And the grapeshot.

@covertcomic The saints *are* the canon.

One aspect of canonization I’m not clear on: do they fire the canon at the saints, or put the saints inside the canon and launch them?

In my opinion, there should be an FBI warning against unauthorized reproduction in general.

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. All of your friends are better ninjas than you.

everything you see on your phone is ugly because it’s on your phone

I told a coworker that I knew he was a C-Section baby by how he avoids labor. I'm on my way to HR now.

I thought I was pretty smart, but I also thought a villanelle was an evil Frenchwoman.

I’m not afraid of being doxed. Just because strangers learn the details of my private life doesn’t mean I have to.

Whoever said hindsight is 20/20 was 20/400.

You know all those scientists that disappeared? That was me

It's not casual sex if you're really focused on doing it well. – Life's Little Covert Operations Manual Back (AGAIN) at #1 on Amazon's free Political Humor list. amazon.com/gp/bestsellers…

In New Jersey, you could do worse than end up in a watery grave. You could end up in a cementy grave, or a landfilly grave, or a football stadiumy grave.

Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Walk all over me; I like it.

I accepted substitutes. Can’t say they didn’t warn me.