Jenny Sommer

@Dr_Messiah @fesshole Just because you test positive doesn't mean you react to it.

@fesshole This also means other legumes such as peanuts, so enjoy the pain of finding out how many of your favourite foods are contaminated.

Daughter has tested positive for allergies to chickpeas and lentils and I could not be happier about it. No more healthy, boring fart food recipes from my partner.

@mayorrr12 @PicturesFoIder Sue for what? No grounds.

@PicturesFoIder They should not only refund her, it's a great opportunity for her to sue for millions as well

A Spanish court has ordered the country’s tax authority to refund over €55 million in taxes collected from Shakira after ruling officials wrongly claimed she was a Spanish tax resident in 2011.

@fesshole Not illegal if you live in Albania, Austria, Hungary, Italy, Serbia, Montenegro or Portugal.

I joined Tinder at 14 (many years ago) because I thought older men were the business (spoiler: no) but always told them how old I was to not waste time. In retrospect amazing how many men will enthusiastically volunteer in writing to do crimes with their government name.

@fesshole Once a believable fess... Just like looking for your glasses and realizing you had them on your head the whole time.

I've spent all evening feeling mildly irritated that I'd mislaid a T-shirt that I intended to put in the wash. Five hours and a couple of trips to the bathroom later, I've realised that I'm wearing it under a jumper.

@ErikWestre @Microinteracti1 Putin is the dead guy soon.

@Microinteracti1 Please stop with your braindead Ukrainian propaganda. Zelenskyj and the EU are the bad guys here. Not Putin.

Marco Rubio. We just want Europe to survive 🐶 Meanwhile Ukraine 🇺🇦!

@TheViriathus @fesshole You were watching while the three had fun together...

@fesshole This happened to me too. Had the most annoying flatmate imaginable, he would constantly nick our food and leave his shit on the living room. Had a girlfriend the cheated on, then the next morning the girlfriend showed up while those two were still snoring and we were like:

My annoying flatmate was having a night of noisy passion in the bedroom next to mine. Imagine my surprise then when, in the morning I opened the door to her long term boyfriend. "She's in her room ," I said letting him in, and the fireworks commenced.

@SRFielding72 @fesshole Who still has a joint account in 2026?

@fesshole How much did you make from your joint bank account?

When I found out my husband was cheating on me, I didn't confront him, i bought a burner phone made some anonymous social media accounts, and sent him proof he was cheating, along with a demand for money, and a threat to tell his wife.

@james_fost21071 @fesshole WTF are you drinking on about

@fesshole Looks like he has done well to get rid of you. You sound dreadful. He may have dodged a bullet not being with you.

@Romy_Holland @_Void_Apostle_ @Aella_Girl Why?

@_Void_Apostle_ @Aella_Girl the hypothetical involves babies smashing buttons. it involves old ladies with dementia. it involves the 250 million illiterate adults in india.

Everyone in the world has to take a private vote by pressing a red or blue button. If more than 20% of people press the blue button, everyone survives. If less than 20% of people press the blue button, only people who pressed the red button survive. Which button would you press?

@francip @Romy_Holland @_Void_Apostle_ @Aella_Girl Makes no sense. Red always survives

If you press blue, and blue is minority, all those vulnerable are left on their own potentially increasing the deaths. If you press red, you can at least make sure those accidental red pressers survive and are taken care of. Pressing blue maximizes potential positive outcome. But it also makes potential negative outcome that much worse.

@fesshole That does not help much. It's just breathing through the mouth. Diving goggles do work a charm though plus you still look like a knob.

I was told at school that if you stick your tongue out while chopping an onion you won't get tears in your eyes. Thirty-five years later and still tear free. I look like a knob, but overall I win.

@fesshole Bugger

Husband likes a sexual act I don't much care for. As a compromise we agreed to do said act only when Arsenal win a match, thinking this would not be overly frequent. Bastard Gunners won't stop winning this season.

@memechaotic No where in the world...maybe some arab dictatorships.... Dubai or Emirates...

Is this legal?

@trollied @fesshole It's probably mobility allowance and you can travel by taxi, helicopter or public transport.... doesn't matter.

@fesshole That’s not how company cars work. They’re leased

WFH and get £600 car allowance. Sold the car because I wasn't using it and pocketed the money for the last year. No one has checked & luckily no meetings have required travel. Will get busted eventually.

@newstart_2024 Fuck him. Should have chosen an appropriate shirt.

The guy just landed a spacecraft on a comet — one of the most impressive scientific achievements in years. His reward? A public struggle session because his bowling shirt had scantily clad women on it. Helen Andrews points out the quiet cost of institutional feminization: HR departments now hunt down any maverick personality and stamp it out. We’re losing innovators we’ll never even know about, all because someone focused on the shirt instead of the comet. This is how wokeness actually works. Have you seen real excellence get punished for something trivial like this?

@fesshole Japanese twins... Cindy Fook "Mi" and Sally Fook "Yu"

I'm working with a very charming non native English speaker, so acknowledging that this Fess is a bit unkind. But he uses the word "focus" a lot. And when he does, it comes out as "fock yous". Which has me giggling like a schoolboy every time he says it. Sorry.

@SRFielding72 @fesshole And actively find his new siblings?

@fesshole Think you should try to retrace his trips abroad and enjoy yourself in his memory.

Dad died late last year. His passport revealed that he made several trips to Thailand, telling my Mum that he was staying with his brother in Ireland. I also found a shit load of viagara in his shed. Haven't told anyone, yet.

@daudbhutta14 @MVlwXAfAbEFSyNw @DD_Geopolitics Bitteschön

@MVlwXAfAbEFSyNw @DD_Geopolitics Translation?

🇮🇶 "Al-Awliya Facility 2 has joined the battle of True Promise 4." Iraqi militia group Saraya Awliya al-Dam has released footage of a drone strike on U.S. forces in Erbil, announcing the activation of a new facility as part of Operation True Promise 4. The video displays the facility's munitions stockpile alongside images of Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei and his son Mojtaba

@daudbhutta14 @MVlwXAfAbEFSyNw @DD_Geopolitics

@fesshole It's just a delay until someone gets to read out the photos....

Some twat with a towbar reversed into my car. The only damage was to the front number plate. This has somehow stopped ANPR cams from reading it but it's still easily read by humans. A pain in car parks but I haven't paid a congestion charge since.