daniel corral

they had to circumcise me with the jaws of life

The texts between Conan, Will Arnett, and Jason Bateman are hilarious. Conan lost both of his parents and somehow joking about Bateman killing them is so dark and yet such a sweet way to help a friend grieve.

watched a guy carry a screaming toddler across the parking lot. he noticed me looking at him and said "he's mine, im not stealing him" and then before i could reply he added "if i was gonna take one, it definitely wouldn't be this a**hole" 😭

yelling "you already did that move" at a stripper

This is killing me because she is dead serious 😭

Sometimes the stripper really does like you

i pulled out a banana at work for a lil snack & my co worker looked at me and said “oh its banana time ?” then proceeded to pull out a banana of his own and tried to toast bananas with me. i wanted to kill this nigga

is there a mister ogynist? i'd be much more comfortable speaking to him

Nothing better than a moment that makes the broadcasters go completely silent

[replying to my sister's text] ...and is there a mister carriage?

I’m trying to find the slurs to describe this girl without being disrespectful

Imagine Pinocchio roasting you for 5 mins straight & his nose hasn't moved an inch

you’re telling me a chick peed in this salad

That beer hit my hand on a Friday like Mjolnir

cranking hog or hogly cranking

Unfortunately I don't think before I speak so l am just a shocked as you are

stop eating cobbler with the gobblers and come eat sherbert with a pervert

I’m at dis Mexican restaurant rn and have just discovered that a Torta is an actual food item and not just an “affectionate” word for a chubby Latina