Dan Nathan

@fesshole Over the weekend, put the airtag in the house, under the bed is best. She will go to check it next week during an encounter, and you will come back to her cleaning up the fallout from her arse. Also, doesn't your phone alert you when an tag that's not yours is following? #IcallBS

My gilfriend doesn't know that I know, but she put an airtag in my work bag to see when i'm on my way home from work so she can tell her ex boyfriend to leave our house. Waiting for the right time to tell her that the Ring doorbell isn't broken like I said.

@fesshole Easy as pie, pop on the app, make a claim, based on data, refund in account. What's difficult about that?

I briefly worked for a train company dealing with delay/repay claims. Yes, they do make it as annoying and difficult as possible to submit a claim so you give up and they don't have to pay out

@fesshole Reassure her by saying "It's better now she wears underwear, it hides some bits she's unhappy about, if I'm honest, naked she's a 3, whereas you're 10+."

My wife is jealous/insecure about my friendships with women. I once had to use the phrase "she was my friend before she was an underwear model", which has not helped at all.

@anon_opin Tomorrow on @anon_opin ...... Deport all the nerds who think Doctor Who and Blake's is the height of Britishness. This will make plenty of room for those interesting people seeking residence here, and not just in their mum's basement.

Handwriting an original 800 word review of a classic Doctor Who or Blake's 7 episode should be a key component of the UK immigration examination.

@fesshole Dad?

Sucked a really nerdy, ugly guy off for a dare at a party. Ended up feeling bad for him so agreed to go on a proper date with him. Been married 20 years today. Never told him this before, and never will.

@fesshole 100% that it was a Benjy's sandwich shop.

I spent ~3 years at the end of the 1990s working in the City of London as a network architect. I found a sandwich place on my first day and had the same lunch from the same place until I quit. I estimate that's a smidge over 650 grilled tuna and cheese sandwiches.

@fesshole Produce a video, but zoom cut out? Sounds like bollocks to me!

I produce a weekly video for my call centre team providing team updates. One team member recently bought a house with his husband so I congratulated him on becoming a homeowner. Unfortunately my zoom link was poor and cut out, so it ended me congratulating him on becoming a homo.

@CMPG @M6tollRoad @Roadchef Audi A4.

We saw this beautiful red deer at @M6tollRoad near to @Roadchef we observed from a distance to ensure it didn’t stray onto the motorway network. If you can identify the police car from the door panel give yourself 10 CMPG points…

@punsandoneliner Lightening?

Saw an argument between a carpenter and a hairdresser. They were going at it hammer and tongs. punsandoneliners.com/randomness/ham… #Hammer #HammerJokes #Joke #Humour

@cheesypoofsuk @SartorialThug Any nob who paints hinges in the first place needs the flat head screws driving in to their eyes!

@SartorialThug My FIL, a chippy, told me flat heads in for hinges are so when they get painted over, you can get the paint out of the slot to undo them later. Got to admit that he may actually have a point...

I'm sure I will get the odd "aKsHuAlLy" here, but what is the point of flat head screws? Why did they make a screw that the screwdriver slips off at every half turn? They should have been discontinued once the Phillips screw was invented.

@anon_opin "Fur baby" should also be banned. Everywhere.

There should be a social media platform that just has pictures or videos of dogs on it. No-one is allowed to add captions, or annoying music, or to use the word 'doggo'. I'd delete all the other apps if such a thing existed.

@CCHertsScouts @HertsScouts Mentorliz scoutsliz bemoreamazing .....some options to ponder.

As I have stepped down as lead volunteer after 10 glorious years with @HertsScouts I need a new Scout Twitter name (suggestions?) or you can follow me on my personal account too Thanks again to all who have supported me across the years. #Scouts #nextproject #skillsforlife

@punsandoneliner Bulbs grow, lamps glow.....

A bulb walks into an airport with no bags, wearing only a shirt & sandals. The check-in agent says "Travelling light?" He says "Yes, I am" punsandoneliners.com/randomness/che… #Joke #Humour

@OctopusEnergy why have our agile rates disappeared from the app today? I have no idea how much I'm paying for my energy. I'm having to take a punt on when it's cheaper? Not exactly helpful.

@anon_opin Highly likely that the twist on this is actually.... the kids find you dull, and you ruin the experience for them.

Parents who take kids, let's say under 12 to archaeological sites are just attention seekers who want to believe they're amazing parents. The kids don't want to be there, find it dull and it just ruins the experience for the rest of us.

@fesshole Maybe brush up on the understanding of AI. It certainly isn't going to suddenly tell someone that "Dave" or "Daphne" plagiarised something 40 years ago, unless "it" is asked a very specific leading question. Even then, it needs to know about those 2 distinct items.

When writing my dissertation I downloaded a very similar paper from an American University. I copied it word for word. Got a 2:1. Now, 25 years later, I'm scared that AI will eventually find me out and my degree will be removed.

@fesshole Should keep leaving the phone stashed outside the fit aunts house every so often.

My in-laws have me on find my friends so I connected a burner phone to my Apple ID and I've at my house for the last 12 months

@fesshole Did everyone else hear the collective groan of millions of Nonnas as they read someone put carrot in a bolognese? Awful practice, needs wiping out.

My boyfriend despises having grated carrot in Spag Bol - so much so that I now have to make 2 separate portions, one with and one 'without' carrot due to the fuss he makes. He insists that the portion that I give him is so much nicer without the carrot. I still include it.

@timoldland Thing is, there is only so much you can do with a Vauxhall Vectra. Bloody loved the SAABs though.

Worst judged facelifts. Let’s see ‘em. I’ll start off with the ‘Dame Edna’ Saab 9-5.

@SimonCarGuy Without doubt the best in Hertfordshire. Lewis Newton at Elevate Automotive. Check out his insta for everything he does instagram.com/elevateautomot… elevateautomotive.co.uk

Gave the Alfa a bath today. Now safely tucked up in the garage with a ctek Can anyone recommend a good detailer in the Hertfordshire area?