Derek Shoemaker

DEVIL: [on skateboard; does kickflip] JUDGES: ok D: [540 into nosegrind] J: nice D: [convinces world he doesn't exist] J: ... holy shit

I don’t trust the spank bank so I keep everything under a mattress in the jack shack

My mother invented necessity

For sale. Nice shoes. Kinda wet.

When is @DCComics gonna do right by us and give us “fat Joker”?

My brother-in-law calls appetizers “warm ups” and dinner “my one chance to get back at my enemies”.

@brad_pike @alanfgiles Nope but I chopped it up and put it on youtube and now I'm a millionaire icon

@alanfgiles @derekrshoe didn’t you film the Harold she’s watching?

Portrait of a Lady on Fire but she's watching a long-form improv show

Can someone tell me what the fuck happened at the Mars Cheese Castle??? We passed there a couple hours ago on the way home to Chicago, and it looked like two cars in the parking lot were on fucking fire

Failed my last night school exam. Wrong answers only.

Just as the full moon transforms the human into the werewolf, the live music of a street festival morphs me into an older guy with a Harley Davidson tshirt who watches everything contentedly.

Jobs I've had since I was 14: Bag boy Janitor Stock clerk Busser Dishwasher Pizza maker Mail clerk Banquet server Car salesman Dog walker Sign holder Delivery driver Retail associate Concierge Front office manager Receptionist Jobs I'll have starting Monday: Software engineer

what in the white hell is this twitter.com/CityLab/status…

RUPAUL: Scott Pruitt. On the runway, you were warming our globes off. But in today’s maxi-challenge, your denial made me a skeptic. Scott Pruitt... I’m sorry my dear but you are up for resignation. Donald Trump, you may join the other girls.

I believe 13 ethics investigations is called a Pruitt's Dozen.

All caught up. Feel like they’ve beat this “resigning because of scandals/total incompetence” trope to death. Some interesting stuff happening with this “midterms” thing they keep teasing though. Wonder if that’ll play a big role in the finale.

Have not seen the latest episode of the Trump Administration, so I’m getting off social media to avoid spoilers. I feel like they’ve been building up Scott Pruitt as the big bad for next season. I just hope they finally reveal what covfefe was about.

Proud of my dad for finally going back to school to be a social media influencer.

Drives me wild when my partner talks Dirty Jobs to me in bed

I’m gonna make a movie about a white cis het actress who’s spent her whole career pretending to be interesting and cast a trans man as the lead.

It’s tough not to say a rhyming couplets as I enter a room. But look at me now while I have your attention. Room.