Evan Penn

*someone after meeting me in person after only seeing what I post on Twitter* Honestly, I thought he was going to be an idiot.

@SquarespaceHelp uhhhhh? This is my website currently?

.@RELEVANTpodcast for the question of the week: The time I almost burned my friends parents’ house down:

Selling my old copy of #KOTOR. It's crispy clean and in great shape. See it here: ebay.com/itm/1562272945… #Starwars #knightsoftheoldrepublic

@RELEVANTpodcast @thederekminor @cameronstrang @jessecarey I think a better version of a Christian “rap beef” would end up just being dudes complimenting each other until they run out of nice things to say. (This has been rambling around in my brain for a week now)

“You KNOW I keep that thing on me!” - me talking about my Costco membership card

This morning I witnessed a teacher BLASTING “Umbrella” by Rihanna (literally so loud I could hear it as I pulled up next to her with my windows up) before she went into the school like she was hyping herself up. Stay strong sister. Two more weeks.

Nothing makes my inner youth pastor come out faster than seeing a stranger reading their Bible at a coffee shop. A Stranger, Reading Their Bible Peacefully By Themselves as They Sip Their Coffee: Me:

Honestly everyone on the @RELEVANTpodcast needs to watch this. I belly laughed. @cameronstrang @thederekminor @Deathbymartymar I don’t know Emily’s handle. (This is about Kendrick & Drake’s beef.) youtu.be/dGVs50Y8v_E?si…

Bro if you knew this WHY didn’t you do this right the first time? Why am I filling out forms they never taught me how to do in school or paying someone to do it when you already knew this?

Doing taxes is a great way to be reminded that our government can’t govern. “Sorry you over-payed in taxes. Here’s some back.” OR “Sorry you didn’t pay enough in taxes, give us more.”

Not a picture of someone who’s trying to admire the eclipse who forgot to get glasses, but a picture of someone seeing my hot hams shimmering in the sunlight coming towards them as I run with shorts on for the first time this year:

If you start the song “New Year” by Death Cab for Cutie at 11:59:11 you can start your year with introspective lyrics and being sad. Yes I am a huge hit at parties why do you ask?

Yes I have eaten my body weight in Christmas cookies the past 4 days straight which is why I ran 2 miles and did a 20 minute workout today. Now I can start eating cookies again. It’s called ✨ H O L I D A Y B A L A N C E ✨ look it up.

Watching “Honey I Shrunk The Kids” with my son and nephews. All I can say is: BRING BACK RICK MORANIS 2024!

Nothing says “for unto us a Savior has been born” quite like waking up to finding explosive dog diarrhea all over your kitchen floor. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

“This would be funnier if I didn’t have to bear witness to it.” - Evan’s wife

@evanpenn I do this too. I literally look at nothing on my phone so I stop staring 😂

I look at my phone in long lines not because I’m addicted to my phone, but because I make eye contact with strangers and keep staring until I realize I’m doing it. I just tried to not be in my phone in line and made eye contact with 7 people in the last 5 minutes.

You know the “PARKOUR” cold open from The Office? That, except instead of grown men it’s my son at bedtime. (Send help my wife and I are tired.)

My man Dustin never misses.