Paul Larman

@elston_bobby @ChronicleNUFC Unrealistic to expect that really

@ChronicleNUFC Hopefully his always in the side

Can Newcastle replaced their No 7 when he's not in the side? | #NUFC chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football…

@CarinaRibena @MrMrsHenryWales Jealous little wannabe princesses

@MrMrsHenryWales Each point starts with "allegedly" or "said to have said...." Absolutely no facts, yet people are still slating Meghan. Ridiculous behaviour, from a load of entitled little wannabe princesses 🙄

@BoatyMellie @anon_opin Last of the summer wine and hilarious shouldn't be in the same sentence either

@anon_opin Lenny Henry and the word "hilarious" should never be in the same sentence.

They should remake Last of the Summer Wine. People like Martin Clunes, Richard Herring and Lenny Henry could play the old men that get into scrapes with hilarious consequences.

@fesshole Back of the net!

I once went out with a woman who, under the dim bedside light, looked like a young Peter Beardsley. Fair play Pete, you were cracking in the sack.

@whammysammybar @incestic1de They've sacked Josh

@incestic1de what happened ,,,

each day foo fighters stray further from the rock n roll gods

@fesshole Being loud on a weekday! A heinous crime!

I broke off someone's marriage with a single paracetamol. He was being loud on a weekday, so I emptied the powder into a baggie and threw it over his side of the fence, his wife found it as planned, but the reaction was a bit more than I expected tbh.

@SimonPryde Harsh!

@fuzzy9000 I thought it was Look North standard!

Tonight on #totalsport we'll be discussing this sort of stuff. #safc

@OJBorg I do hope your dog (or cat) is called Si (short for Simon)

Will always love being in the vets and hearing people give the name and surname of their pet.

@fesshole You couldn't even manage the bare necessities?

I once spent three whole days naked because I couldn't be arsed to do the washing.

@fesshole You don't have a dishwasher?

We operate a one cooks, the other cleans system. I mainly cook. When my husband has annoyed me, I purposely make more complicated meals and use way more pots, pans and utensils than I really need to.

@bbcnewcastle Willock starts

🖤🤍 Who should start in place of the injured Joelinton? 📲 bbc.in/42H1A0r #NUFC

@footballontnt @tntsports @discoveryplusUK Apparently that game was "diabolical"

Denzel Dumfries gets another! He heads home to restore Inter's lead at 3-2 🎯 📺 @tntsports & @discoveryplusUK

@Nusc2023 Got mine

🎟️ Brighton (a) tickets have started to land with supporters Make sure you check your inbox and junk folders #NUFC

@29Crown @fesshole Eh?

@fesshole She didn't give it a second glans.

In a drunken moment my girlfriend told me she fantasised about having a "cock sandwich" one day. At our next meet I bought along a loaf of bread and as things hotted up I moved the conversation to her fantasy. I quickly realised my misunderstanding and never mentioned it again.

@Nusc2023 2 marathons in 1 day! That's impressive!

Good luck to everyone running the marathons in London and Manchester today We have several members running in both, go well lads and lasses 🏃🏻‍♂️ #NUFC

@anon_opin They are meant to be annoying so they are memorable

People who produce radio commercials, and the heads of the company being advertised, should be forced to listen to their own commercial every 5 minutes for a whole week, before it's allowed to air.

@lxm697 @anon_opin You mean too short

@anon_opin Yeah but isn't 5 minutes too small?

@fesshole If only there were some way of putting stories onto some kind of paper

I tell my son a story every night at bed time. After six years my imagination is running on empty. I just recounted The Count Of Monte Cristo in a five night saga. He loved it, thinks I am a storytelling legend.

@fesshole I bought a snow shovel in 2012, never used it since

On a family holiday to France in 2016, we bought a large bag of charcoal. Didn't use it so we bought it home - despite not having a barbecue. It's in the garage now, unopened. It's moved house with us twice. It's part of the family now, I can't burn it.