Deedy@deedydas
Why are 6' tall well-educated high earning men AND attractive women single?
Modern dating is in a crisis for everyone. It is one of the biggest problems of our time. Let’s break it down with data.
1. Women are more educated than ever, and prefer men the same or more.
Women are getting educated at higher rates than men (47% of women 25-34 have a bachelors vs 37% of men), yet strongly prefer partners of the same education level (81% of couples where one is college-educated have both college-educated). Few men meet this criteria.
2. Women make more money than ever, and prefer men who make more.
College-educated women in cities make MORE than men (women age 25-34 earn >100% of men in 22 large US metros including NYC and DC), yet data shows they are hypergamous, meaning they'd rather date men who make more than them (only 16% of heterosexual marriages have a female breadwinner). Data also shows that women save less than men of commensurate income, meaning the man's income becomes important to keep up their lifestyle if they ever want to purchase a house or settle down. Few men meet this criteria.
3. Women's standards are heightened by dating apps, which force filtering on criteria that are superficial and not long-term focused.
Women are in short supply in dating apps (74% on Tinder, 64% of Hinge is male), and confuse the hookup market for the marriage market. They apply selective filtering given the affordances of the apps (height, looks, education, age, race) and match with men who are "out of their league" and don't want to settle with them (median users message people 10-17%ile more attractive than themselves). When they do want to settle, this group of men self-select for being incompatible on another critical dimension like values, income or personality, leaving women unhappy with the result. Good men who fall short of the initial filter come across too strong and/or feel like a backup and find it hard to love a woman who he can sense is "settling" for him.
4. Social media has polarized both genders.
Both sides have false expectations around dating. For women, they're taught to never settle for less, be an independent girlboss, and that they don't need anyone short of perfection. Men are taught that the only women worth liking having perfect Instagram bodies, are told to date women with fewer sexual partners, that women want them for money, and the world today is just against them in every way. This makes many of them isolate and not enjoy women at all. They see less eye to eye moreso than ever on politics, opinions, and shared interests as a result. The gender “war” in Korea best exemplifies this.
5. Women take longer to find a long term match, but are seen as less attractive with age.
Because of 3, women often date around longer in their most appealing and fertile years. They see a rapid fall off in their own matches after 30 (data shows women desirability peaks at 18-22 while men climbs until 50), when it becomes a race to the bottom of the declining quality of suitors that are interested and their own declining standards: "I should've just been with that one guy from 5yrs ago." When they find a guy, they want to move quickly into marriage and kids which is often too aggressive for men. Although its supposedly taboo to say but men also prefer women with less former partners especially when choosing a spouse, which makes it more difficult for these women (data shows men willingness to commit drops sharply >8 sexual partners)
6. The world is global, and paths diverge more often than before.
Men and women both are increasingly ambitious and will move cities in search of better opportunities. Long distance relationships have lower survival rates, which consume a lot of prime dating years (40% of long distances fail, with an avg separation of 4.5mos).
7. Dating advice reinforces poor behavior.
All of this is exacerbated by people on both sides who are either in a relationship or single offering unhelpful advice like "just suck it up" or "try harder" which makes men and women cement their pre-existing habits. 20%+ of people <30 say their dating guidance primarily comes from TikTok / Instagram.
8. Ambitious women don't want kids more than men. The ones that do struggle to find partners that can afford it.
64% of women under 50 without children don't want kids vs 50% for men. Men often want kids in the former case or can't really afford them in the latter (median cost in metros is $25-32k/yr for a child and 36% of adults cite cost as the major reason for no kids). Either way, it's a bad situation.
Neither women nor men are at fault for this situation society has found itself in, and this post isn’t blaming anyone in particular. The cause is an intricate combination of the state of the economy, access through dating apps, social media and innate mating preferences. If we cannot talk
