ian_fromBlighty

@fesshole Have you asked Whistler's mother what to do?

Wife bought a stupidly expensive painting when we were in london. Cleaning the house last week I accidentally sprayed polish on it. Tried to wipe it off & it smudged the paint. Tried to fix it with tippex & a felt tip but made it worse. Proper Mr Beaned it. She hasn't noticed yet

@wartranslated What’s all this waffle about Belgium

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt announced that Trump has signed the "Peace Council" charter, officially establishing it as an international organization. Its members include Bahrain, Morocco, Argentina, Armenia, Azerbaijan, Belgium, Bulgaria, Egypt, Hungary, Indonesia, Jordan, Kazakhstan, Kosovo, Mongolia, Pakistan, Paraguay, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Türkiye, the UAE, and Uzbekistan.

@CBSNews With the average Englishman’s foreign languages skills 80 years is still not enough time to become fluent

President Trump says to European allies at World Economic Forum in Davos: "Without us, right now you'd all be speaking German and a little Japanese perhaps." cbsn.ws/3LtwCTL

@deathtospinach I see the book also on audible narrated by yourself. Does this tick the correct royalty boxes for you? Or should I not be so lazy and buy the physical book.

AT LAST! #KeanuReevesIsNotInLoveWithYou has a new publisher. So go out and buy it again, buy it for friends, for family members, for colleagues or buy 500 for yourself and build a small fort with them. After the original publisher went into administration owing me thousands and thousands of pounds I was tired of smiling every time someone told me they'd bought my book, as I knew all sales were just going into the administrator's pockets. However, anyone that buys a copy from now on can be assured that the royalties will actually reach me! Amazon: amzn.eu/d/hGz2Rt2 Waterstones: waterstones.com/book/keanu-ree… Independent bookshops: uk.bookshop.org/p/books/keanu-… Thank you to @WiltonSquare and to @AliceLutyens and Jess Molloy at Curtis Brown @CBGBooks

@fesshole You had plans to play your favourite Nintendo games but sniffing your dog rectum.

When I was a kid, i liked to pretend I was a dog like our Labrador. I noticed how when my mum took him on a walk he'd sniff other dog's bums, so one day I got curious and I sniffed my dog's bumhole. It smelled like farts and my mum caught me and took my DS away for a week.

@Alphafox78 My husbands name isn’t Bill it’s William. You have the wrong house.

I think you have the wrong house. 😭

@EastEndJoe Here’s your medication and some cash to do what you like with. …. Regards Donald

THE dumbest President in history!

@Matt_Pinner Wow - what a lovely shot. What aperture and iso did you use, when I try anything like this it is so terrible. Also have so much light pollution here. Your shot is really something

@NoContextBrits I remember the slogan : Hands Face Back to my place

@CrimeLdn Central locking - an optional extra not purchased

Madness last night in east London..

@NoContextBrits Is that Gerry Rafferty on the platform?

The world's oldest underground station, Baker Street, 157 years apart.

@fesshole Ask Evri to deliver it to the police. It will disappear without a trace.

I've got human remains in my shed. It's bits of a skeleton my grandad had as a medical student in the 1930s. I need to get rid of it but where? I can't take it down the tip without looking like Fred West.

@DrCarlMortner @NoContextBrits Barbers in town who own a Lamborghini : 28

@NoContextBrits Math doesn't add up at all: Total population: 5,970 Estimated regular barber clients: ~2,100 Total haircuts/year: ~21,000 (10 cuts/client/year) Haircuts/day town-wide: ~84 Barbershops: 14 Barbers per shop: 2 Barbers per shop: 2 Total barbers: 28

Fury.

@loughers2 @fesshole Fess from Tipton

@fesshole Sounds like a Viz letter reject

Sat next to my wife on a beach in Majorca, I realised I'd been whistling "Peaches" by The Stranglers for the last 2 mins. Luckily my wife isn't a fan of British punk acts and so wasn't familiar with the song or why I may have had it stuck in my head.

@Tesco @Andrew__Kennedy Moral of this story - always get a r receipt from the self checkout.

@Andrew__Kennedy Good afternoon Andrew, may I ask you to message us via DM using the link below and I'll assist you with your complaint. I've included a link below. Kind regards - Amy twitter.com/messages/compo…

Hi @Tesco On Good Friday I experienced the most awful and humiliating experience in your Hurst Park (Surrey) store. I popped in to pick up groceries on my way to visit friends. I used “scan as you go” as I always do, and paid £75.92 for my groceries, using my Apple Pay.

@LBC @TomSwarbrick1 flic.kr/p/xD6GX

Was this the plan? Or is this a U-turn? President Trump has just paused worldwide tariffs for 90 days. @TomSwarbrick1 wants to know what he's thinking.

@alan0669 @NoContextBrits Does the mega grill challenge include marshmallows?

@lbc I seemed to have just tuned into Kremlin FM. Do svidaniya

@Aku_700 @JDVance Worrying that the vice president of the United States seems to have no clue that Pakistan exists. en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pakistan_…

Vice President JD Vance: “The UK will be first Islamist country with nuclear weapons.”

@SocratesSword @acnewsitics How long before this appears on the resolute desk in the Oval Office

@acnewsitics Canada is not politically our closest ally. At the very least, Britain, Israel, Poland, Japan are ahead of them. Probably more.

Donald Trump has made Canadians, our closest ally, boo the US National Anthem the norm. Is this the respect he said the world would have for us once he was elected?